Dodging the Bullet

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Chapter one

There I was, back at the old grade school playground running away from this mean looking guy. You know the look, “can you smell what the ROCK is cooking”. The good news was I could loose him in about five seconds. The bad news, no matter how far I ran or where I hid, if I waited long enough he would find me.

After another 30 second sprint away from mister Burly Man I came across what looked like a wheelhouse off an old tug or maybe the bridge of the Nautilus from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. I jump through the hatch and dog it closed.

Cool looking place, can’t believe I didn’t know it was there. I’ve been cruising this hood for 47 years and I missed this! Ha! Oh well.

Figuring I had at least a few minutes before the Wang showed up, I did a little exploring. There were all kinds of cool things to check out. Pressure gauges, valves, leaver’s, wheels, compasses, and about a hundred little lights. I was busy flipping switches up and down trying to get the lights to come on when I noticed the Jackass through the window. He was climbing the ladder that led to the hatch. He would be in the bridge within a few seconds so I turned to run.

The problem was I didn’t know which way to go! I started to look for a way out but stopped. I’d had enough of this crap. It was time to see what was pissing this guy off. I figured if I could talk with he, maybe I could get him to settle down.

Wham, the hatch was open and he jumped in. Before I could even think about opening my mouth he was right in my face with his right arm cocked. Next thing I knew the lights went out and I was seeing stars!

Now for the crazy part, when I came to I was in bed, not in the hospital but home. Just another bad dream but a few things didn’t quite fit. First of all, since when are you the one that can outrun the bad guy. Come on, usually when it comes time to run in a dream I can barely crawl!

Second, he must have got me in the left jaw because my teeth were killing me and that side of my face was numb.

Wow, I could use a drink of water, that should snap me out of it. I went to roll over to get up but I found that my left arm was just as dead as my face, not good. So there I lay, what the hell is going on! Was I still dreaming? Could be, so I thought, just get up, come on, get up. I sat up, rubbed my sore jaw with my numb left arm and got out of bed. About half way to the kitchen I realized I was also dizzy, like I just got cold cocked I the jaw! A glass of water later I felt better but not 100% better. Maybe 20% better at best.

So to make a long story short, a half hour later, a half dozen glasses of water and a half dozen checks of my blood pressure I was back in bed and sound asleep.



Chapter two

Morning rolls around and all is OK, not good but OK. My face and arm are still a little dead but OK. Off to work to start a new week. I still felt a bit off but I figured it was because I didn’t get a very good nights sleep. Around comes 10:20, break time and the crowd leaves the office for the lunch room for coffee. I got up to follow and the room starts to spin, what the hell is going on. What ever it is I can’t blow it off any longer so I call doctor Nutwacker to get his opinion.

You can guess what he says “get to the ER, NOW!

So off to Emanuel where his brother the Tinny Weenie Doctor practices.

He had called his brother and warned him we were on the way so when I got there they were waiting. Before I could even get the first page of the admittance paper work filled out they had the I V in and had my neck, chest, back and legs shaved and were ready to start the EKG. The test went well and they found nothing. Next came the CAT Scan all the while sucking five or six blood samples. Again the test showed nothing.

By this time I had an ER Doc, a Neurologist and a Pediatric Urologist! The ER staff couldn’t figure out what all the commotion was about. The Urologist orders up a complete MRI scan of me head and upper spine. That was one and a half hours in a tube with your head clamped tight and your forehead taped down. They then put a helmet on you and stuff you in. You can’t move your arms or your head. They don’t even want you to swallow or move your eyes for 90 minutes! The thing makes so much noise you have to wear earplugs.

Again, all was well. So what the heck is up? After a conference with the Nuro guy they decide to do an ultra sound of the arteries in my neck going to the brain. Again nothing.

7 or 8 hours later the fourth doctor comes in and looks at the chart. Wow, who ordered all these test and what’s with all the doctors?

Chapter three

Anyway, the final results. He says, the good news is no heart attack, no stroke, and no heart problems. The bad news, they don’t know what was wrong, maybe bad gas, take an aspirin and go to bed. Really, one baby aspirin a day and adios.

So how was your day?


An email sent to me yesterday from my father, based on actual events. Yeah, he's pretty cool. Too cool for something like this to happen though... this was the most light-hearted way to send disheartening news. I will be heading to Portland this afternoon (at least I aspire to) to make sure he is alright and to let him know that if he doesn't take care of himself, he's gonna have me on his hands. And I can be a handful. ;)