The Trials and Tribulations of Being a Consumer Whore

and how... 
READ: How to Find Parking Space at the Mall

I recently came across a link to this article on my friends site, Fasterslower.
As I read through those thin, trivial little words, I snickered to myself as I felt a knot beginning to develop in my stomach. Sure, everyday thousands are suffering from war, famine, death, AIDS, homelessness, recession and depression...but what will I do if I end up at the mall and actually have to SEARCH FOR A PARKING SPACE? Am I in any DANGER?!? Sweet JESUS how have I been living my life WITHOUT THIS INFORMATION?!?!?!?
Yeah, global warming may cause there to be less snowfall east of the Cascades resulting in a drought in California that we all know Oregon with have to pay for...our grandchildren may only be able to see real sea life in little plastic tanks in bank-breaking theme parks due to the rising carbon dioxide levels and fluctuating pH of our polluted oceans...a fatal flu epidemic has been found spreading through Asia as our national supply of vaccines reamains inadequate and diminishing...and with the rise of consumerism and sheep-like behavior there consequentially may be less parking spaces in the mall parking lot and Americans may have to like, totally walk really far to get to the entrance and it like, could totally start to rain and their hair would get way frizzy and like, it totally wouldn't be cool.
Hey NBC, thanks for all the info...but instead of filling our heads with all this bullshit about avoiding 'fender-benders' and decreasing our chances of 'confrontation' while we're parking our fucking Expeditions at the Mall of America, how about you do a little story on how none of this would even be an issue if we kept our little heads and our little wallets closer to home. Tell us how we could maybe even avoid starting up our fucking Jetta in the first place.
Describe for us how the fresh air would make us feel as we were walking through our neighborhood to the local market or riding our bike to a closeby boutique. Feature for us a picture portraying the glow of the smiles we would recieve as we wave to our neighbors while passing by their windows. Draw us up a chart of how good the excersize would be for our cholesterol levels, and how free it would be, instead of herding us into 24-Hour Fitness by stuffing our faces with Big Macs while telling us we should weigh 110 pounds. Let us in on how, by helping ourselves to the products of community-based and locally owned establishments, we would no longer be participating in the engouragement of titanic corporate organizations' quest for globalization and disinterest in human rights and human opinion, no...we would be helping our friends, neighbors and peers put food on the table and maybe a few kids trough college.
Oh, wait, thats right...honesty is NEVER the best policy when making a profit or upping ratings is evolved. Besides, if Americans were actually told the truth, our little empty hearts would probably seize in our fat little guts.
Donnie, I don't know where you find this crazy stuff...but keep it coming. Mainstream America will never fail to amaze, suprise and disgust me. I'll be damned if I 'lay and wait'. No, not I, not that... all I can do is my own little part and try not to let it kill me.
Anyways, goodnight everyone and don't let the man get you down.