Current State

...


Last night while laying sleepless in my bed I realized I hadn't updated in a relatively long while. I felt a little bad about it. So, here I am.
The break has gone suprisingly well for doing close to nothing. I have spent time with the family and a few close friends, each venture out has been worthwhile. Over this past weekend I attended a few parties with my good friend Jessica. I enjoy spending time with her because, let alone being easy going and by far one of the funnier people I know, she provides me with the opportunity to meet new people at every turn. She never really stuck with the old high school crowd and seems to always befriend the most dynamic people. She owns.
These past few days getting drunk with her and all of these new people have, if you can imagine, been a somewhat detoxifying experience. I have recently not had many opportunities, in Eugene that is, to meet new people and I think I am beginning to understand why this past month or so has been spent in such a cold sweat. Meeting someone new, even if only for a few moments and then they are gone forever, forces upon you that certain element of progressive development that so many people tend to lose through everyday, normal routine. Any new experience, bad or good, will take you further whether it serves as an awakening or a reaffirmation of anything you already feel. My dilemma, I feel, partially spawns from the reality that spending time with all the same people eventually leaves me without any new or positive revelations at the end of the day. Stability only has taken me so far in platonic relationships; despite the reciprocal appriceation felt for each other's company and loyalty, I can't seem to stay satisfied when a friendship falls into routine. Especially at this point in our lives, it gets very difficult...being young and still so susceptable to influence, we can change overnight and unfortunately most of our friends don't follow. In my situation, I and many of my close friends can't seem to let go of the past (I wish so vainly that I could while many of them don't want to), and as I have written about previously, it just creates a cycle. This cycle eats away at my conscience on so many levels.
These recent encounters with new and different kinds of folks have been more like a way to meet myself through another's eyes. I talk to them, ask them about themselves, they ask me questions, we talk, we read eachother. For the most part it is gratifying and has been an outlet of sorts for me, allowing me to to learn new things about myself as I talk about these new things with others. There is a great difference between internal narrative and dialogue and actually expressing and challenging those thoughts when presenting them through dialogue in an external encounter. It's invigorating. Yet, through this series of events that have provided me with these thoughts, I still have that underlying guilt that I am leaving good, honest friends in the dust. I have been left in the dust many times and would render who I am as completely unjustified if I were to do the same to another. I know eventually everyone will move on and this will no longer prove itself as a significant problem, but until then I will inevitably be stuck. Old friends stay true but cling to me as they do to the past they hold so dear, I appriceate them but I can't bring myself to enjoy the same activities anymore.
Working yourself out of a rut requires will and discipline, which in turn builds character. I have, in the past few months, internalized these feelings about my current state and consequently grown a lot as a person. Recently meeting these new people has given me a chance to be that new person without reserve and has proved to be a confirmation of that growth. Knowing that the person you are talking to is doing so without any preconceptions of who you are or might be is liberating. The fact that I miss it so much has also been part of who I have come to be...I guess I am even more prone to lack the courage to assert myself than I was in the past, a symptom easily cured with a little brew and spirits.
So, for the rest of the break I am going to spend those minutes usually wasted on idle or unrelated thought to discovering ways to stir up the courage to stay who I have become for a while and also figure out how to convince these new people I am worth meeting.
I do have a lot to offer, in my own way I suppose. That is what I must keep reminding myself of.
I am going to another get together tonight with Jessica, maybe it will be as rewarding as the past few have been, maybe not. I'll update soon and let you all know. Also, in those late night, tireless hours spent here at home in my basement I have watched a few more good movies...so keep an eye on my little side project. Stay warm and, above all, take care of yourself.