All I needed was 42 hours without sleep to finally wake me up

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So I think I've finally decided exactly whats going on here. The reason I have been so habitually hole-ing my self up lately, the reason I feel I have no time to do what I want to do when I seem to have all the time in the world. Why I sit around when I could do anything else. Why I write directionless posts on a blog, knowing about one in every five is read (if that).
The reason was something I knew the whole time, but never was as clear to me as now. Nothing ever happens here. 'Here' refers to this town, these social circles, this apartment complex, this whole mindset. I live in a place called Ducks Village, the place where most kids end up after leaving the dorms. Nothing here is real, nothing here actually happens. Anything that seems real is just an illusion or a pipe dream. This is because everyone here is the same, giving us nothing to check our sense of reality unless we're really looking...we have no comparisons so it is just accepted that this is the way things really are. There are no families with children, no old hippies living next door to share experiences, no high schoolers nor graduates launching their careers. Just a bunch of kids still going to school because it's just what you do. You come here, you drink beer and/or smoke weed, you choose a major and whatever you can't buy for yourself you put on your parents tab. Not real.
Most of these kids are streatching their adolescence out as thin as they can, not yet earning the title of 'young adult'. They are setting up a future that they have no real concept of, their lifelines are way too close to home to keep their feet on the ground. Most of their concerns fall under an umbrella of proximate cycles and daily social interaction. Tests and parties, presentations and vacations, who's with who and what everyone thinks about whats going on right now, all caught up in the context that stretches maybe a week at most. Like its some sort of year-round summer camp, or for the ones who have it really bad, an abercrombie and fitch style never-never land where doing your homework falls relatively close to doing your laundry.
This is what I've finally put my finger on, why I can't find a real reason to go out and live. The fact that there aren't any real reasons here has been what I have finally figured out, like when nothing seems right, and then you realize your actually dreaming. Some dream.
I always knew this about this place, but I guess I thought just knowing it would save me from falling victim to it. Well, I was only half right. I need to do something, and fast...find something that I can really feel. I don't want to be part of this adolescent, prime time soap opera anymore...acting out roles was never my gig. Especially since the only future for the actors around here are sitcoms on the Fox network or maybe, with a little luck, a secondary charater in one of those 'feel-good-comedy-of-the-year' movies. bleh.
I am also struggling in the friends category. This, actually, might be the most difficult part of the dilemma. I really appriceate my friends and I'm lucky to have such good ones. I just have so little in common with them lately, their pursuits and tastes and passions and problems are no longer something I find we share. There are a few of my friends that I can still be close to without this getting in the way...but the problem is that the group, in its entirety, is our high school class. It exists as a present example of the past. Nobody has really been able to let go, not that they are supposed to, but I think it's holding people back from moving onto the next step. When I hang out with them, I have to be the person I was in high school...and that person is no longer me. I can't fill that role anymore (and sleep at night). It doesn't ever end up offering that much along the lines of a reward either, except for the occaisional beach cabin party or camping trip. I like those people, their just not my peers anymore.
One thing that makes me sick, though, has to do with recent events. About two thirds through the term, my closest friend and predominent member of this group disrespected me on more levels I care to spend time on, his actions struck me as the type that would cost him a lot of the respect he had from the people that knew him and that knew me. Yet, a little over a month later and the only thing different is that he and I are no longer friends. It's like a slap in the face to me and I resent every one of them for it in my own modest and smug little way. It just proves it's not about respect, its about safety. Yeah, Eric did some fucked up shit but he's still cool if he treats me like I'm cool. It's really wierd.
I just think I'm finally equipped with enough good reasons to be ready to move on, end that chapter. I'm ashamed to say that it took one of them spitting on my face and giving me a black eye to see that none of it is real.There aren't any real actions so there are no real consequences, all beginnings and no ends with no lessons learned. I'm tired of the games and all the generic situations and the proneness to cling to ideas when they are ultimately twilighting.I was so caught up in trying to spot the snakes in the grass, because I was conviced they were the problem. Well, I finally got bit, and came to realize that I was more allergic to the grass than the venom all along. I don't want to abandon those ones who actually kept it real, or to de-value the people I am talking about. That group of kids, when it comes down to it, are good people and they don't have to move on if they have no real reason yet to.
But me, I'm getting out. And this place no longer means anything to me. All that is happening around me is now static. I need something completely new and soon. People who at least like the same music I like, or at least like what they like for good reasons. Openminded people who like to be interesting, instead of being the same. People who are representations of the adults they are becoming as opposed to those who live as tributes to thier former experiences. I'm looking for progression now, not nostalgia.
There are a few I will refuse to let go of, I'm not going to name them (as to protect feelings of those left out and all that loveliness) but they will come to know who they are if they don't already.