on the balcony

The Last Meal

2007-08-25T08:44:00.001-07:00

Last night on ARD they showed the movie Monster's Ball with Billy Bob Thorton and Halley Berry. Near the beginning of the movie it shows Sean Combs or Puff Daddy or Diddy or whatever the hell he calls himself these days being served his last meal before he is supposed to go to the chair. Simon and I were talking about what it would be like to know you were going to die for sure, like waking up and knowing that this is the last morning, this is the last light and so on and so fourth. I asked Simon what he would ask for for his last meal and he said a big steak with potatoes au gratin, bacon and green beans, and chocolate ice cream with whipped cream. For my last meal I would definately have the carlic and cheese grits with blackened catfish, veggie collard greens, and blackeyed peas from the Delta Cafe in SE Portland. Oh man, just thinking about it now and how far away I am from it is going to kill me. Greatest thing ever. And for dessert I think a crepe with vanilla cream and fresh fruit would be nice, like a peaches and cream crepe or something. For sure.

On another note...here is my quote of the day:

"FUCK THE HEN!!! What a GOAL!"

Simon was watching the Sportshau and they were showing the highlights of this weekends game of his club the Vfl Bochum and he got excited about a goal they shot. HAHA. For just one night Bochem was FIRST OF THE BUNDESLIGA. Sweet. I'm sure they'll come in second overall. Simon is not so sure. I guess we'll have to see.

Ask Not for Whom the Bell Tolls...

2007-07-31T04:29:00.002-07:00

Ingmar Bergmen. What to say...what to say. He was definately one of my favorites, dealing with all my favorites, z.B. existence, lonliness, death, sexuality, faith, morality. The human condition. Although I have liked all of his films that I've seen, though I definately haven't seen them all, my most loved is of course The Seventh Seal. How un-original.
Really though...A man comes back from fighting the Crusades to a plague-ridden homeland and meets death. The man plays chess with death! And the dialogue!

Antonius Block: "I want to confess as best I can, but my heart is void. The void is a mirror. I see my face and feel loathing and horror. My indifference to men has shut me out. I live now in a world of ghosts, a prisoner in my dreams."

The dialogue!!

Jöns: "Our crusade was such madness that only a real idealist could have thought it up."

The dialogue!!!

Jöns: "Love is as contagious as a cold. It eats away at your strength, morale... If everything is imperfect in this world, love is perfect in its imperfection."
Blacksmith Plog: "You're happy, you with your oily words. You believe your own drivel."
Jöns: "Believe it? Who said? But I love to give pieces of advice."

Of course, it is originally in Swedish, who knows what is lost in the translation, but I feel it! I feel what he is saying.
What I think I love most about his works are that they contain a message, however ambiguous it may be, and everything is always so existential. And I love that. I hate watching all of these blockbuster romantic comedy, action, marketing movies that, even if there is a message, it could be easier found by banging ones head against a wall. Well, anyways, I'm not going to get into that. Whenever I open that can of worms I usually just say the same thing over again anyways, which is that capitalism provides us with the anomalous phenomenon (okay, perhaps anomaly isn't the most true word to use, but it is an anomaly to me) of art without a soul, mock art. I highly disapprove. Let it be known.

Back to Hr. Bergman. Another thing I think is interesting about him is that I guess he grew up in a religious family, Lutheran, but lost his faith when he was at the ripe age of 8. Seriously. At 8 how could you even know? 8 year olds, dude. Respect it.
So now we live in a world without Ingmar Bergman. I wonder if death was everything he imagined it would be? Or, I guess, that is silly. Anyone truelly in touch with the concept of mortality knows that death is nothing concrete beyond it's mere factuality. It is just that, a fact, and the rest is noise, is personal, and thats that. (Three 'that's in one sententce, whew!)
When Hunter S. Thompson went, I felt afraid. Find me another genius of such magnitude that can freak out about politics in such a real, informed, way. And a journalist no less, one that people actually pay attention to. He was a victim of the modern age if there ever was one. I blame the Bush administration.
Then Kurt, my boy. When he went, I felt regret. I think that towards the end, after such a life, living with such a mind, he was also a victim of the modern age. Kurt Vonneguts sci-fi style was the only kind of sci-fi lit that I have ever appriceated outside the dystopic.
So how do I feel now? Hmm, that's tough. Nothing negative, this time. I guess this is because, considering what his work meant, or meant to me...it all seems so much more complete. He has been human and now he is dead, and where he goes, nobody knows.
R.I.P. Ingmar, and thanks.

Bright Eyes Cleans Up in Essen

2007-06-21T06:33:00.000-07:00

Last night Simon, Pj and I caught the Bright Eyes show at the Weststadthalle Essen. Of the all the shows that I've seen of theirs/his, I will come close to saying that this is the best one I've ever been to. I think that Conor, though I am much more attracted to him with shorter hair...really personified his music. He played tracks from the new album Cassadega as well as tracks from his last 3 albums (not including Digital Ash) as well as some tracks from releases with other artists including the stong Southern State, which I adore!! and I Will Never Be Happy Again. Anyways, they had a really great preformence, not playing the tracks exactly as they sound on the album recordings but using many different instruments, and adding a little jazz flavor. In light of this, I found it so hard to describe the music to Simon's mother...I don't know, folk-country-rock-pop-...jazz? Well, lets just say it's very American-Independant sounding. Hmm. Whatever, it is good. Conor complained about German food and told stories of tagging shirts and 'smokin a lotta pot', trying to relate to the industrial district of Germany. He also made the announcement that if he ever went broke (which I don't see happening anytime in the remote future unless his assumed cocaine habit gets out of hand or he starts spending his money at the same rate as my brother) he would come to Germany and start an air conditioning company and supposedly 'clean up'. We'll see Conor, we'll see. So, all in all a fantastic, entertaining show, a real crowd pleaser. Now, hopefully I can convince Simon to get off the couch and go see the Decemberists in Cologne or Bonn or wherever it is on the 23rd. I haven't heard their new album yet -gasp- but I'm sure they will put on a good, though perhaps not equally as good show. Ironically I have never seen them play live, though they are currently based out of my home town and have played more shows there than I think Mike Jones has said his own name. The video for Sixteen Military Wives was shot in my effing old high school for christs sake.
In other news...I have finally cleared up the visa situation here and have been told that it won't be a problem for me to stay here in Germany on my tourist-soon-to-be-residency permit for another 3 to 6 months. Though this hasn't been finalized yet it is such a relief. So I won't have to push the proverbial envelope with my residency allowance in order to stay here until I can score a study visa. Oh yeah, I will be moving to Frankfurt in August. Simon got himself a 1-year contract to start a traineeship program at the Royal Bank of Scotland, which it exciting, that starts in september and includes 1 month living in LONDON. I'm not sure if this London business includes yours truely, but I can always dream. We are looking at apartments in Sachsenhausen (no, not the death camp!), a stadtteil (neighborhood) of Frankfurt that has, supposedly, a lot of nightlife and museums and culture, etc. and even it's own kind of alcohol! Apfelwein! Or Appelvoy! The former is what it is and the latter is how I have heard it said, So I guess it's both, and by the way it is a king of hard cider, which to me sounds like a headache, but that is to be seen. Nonetheless, I am looking foreward to Frankfurt life. Before that I think that Simon and I may pay a visit to Hopfen in Southern Bavaria where is family has a house, it is near the Neuschwanstein castle, or perhaps go somewhere else for a couple days. Well, that's it for now I think. Take care.

What was I before this?

2007-06-20T05:17:00.000-07:00

Just a small thought, something that came to me as I was reading Everything is Illuminated by Johnathan Safran Foer, that is, what was I before this? A paper was mentioned, one written by a character in the story, with a title something along the lines of "To the Dust: From Man You Come and to Man You Shall Return." I have to look around myself, in light of this, and wonder, how much of this dust around me was human before, and what kind of life did it lead? Did it create anything? Did it love? Where was it and what was it before it was here? Within all that exists around us lies the secrets and the history of all time, since the beginning, whenever and whatever that was. We all know, of course, that nothing is either created nor truelly destroyed, and that everything around us, and we ourselves, have always been, in some form or another, and will always be. I, for one, find comfort in this.

Beyond that, there was another, similar case in which I was reading a paper on the Philosopy of ecology that was sent to me by a friend in which a paper was mentioned, written by a Norwegian, that claimed that Man is the most tragic of all creatures on this earth because "he has learned enough about the Earth to realize that the Earth would be better off without the presence of humankind." I thought at first: So ture, so true! Then of course I reflected for a couple moments on how much of Man really realizes this? Does it really matter to them if they do? Our period of experience on this earth is so finite that people get too greedy to care. I.E. the bush administraion (a.k.a. the US oil lobby) claiming that global warming is just a myth. Which it is. I mean...what?

Time Goes By. So Slowly...

2007-01-18T16:30:00.000-08:00

Well, slowly but not like an old lady crossing the street. Slowly like the days feel like years but a year feels like no more than three months. Time only truely passes with action, when it can be looked back upon and remembered. Otherwise it is a void with monotany as the vacuum and the dark matter as those things that were accomplished but without any other purpose but obligation and necessity.
I finally finished my bachelor's. I am know a Bachelor of the Arts in Psychology. For some reason or another, though, I feel as if I have come out with less than when I arrived. I have definately matured and had a variety of life changing experiences, but something is now missing that was raging before. My theory is that this place, a place I will be escaping soon hopefully for the rest of eternity, has leeched some of that lust for life I had before I came here. This place takes far more than it gives. I got an education here, but I am now have a huge debt hanging over my head. Of course, I wouldn't be who I am today without Eugene, but do I really like who I am at the moment? Not really.
I have no motivation here. It used to be a lot easier to get into the party scene, get high, get out and walk through the beautiful scapes that surround this place, but now I know that there is so much more to this place I have called home for the past couple years. If you take a step back and look around you here, this is what you'll see: Poverty. Street kids, homeless, disabled people that look like they have no one in the world taking care of them, elderly people walking the streets when it is down near freezing who look like there is no one in the world caring for them, huge trucks, SUVs, cars, cars, cars, overpriced goods, drunken kids in bars and on the streets who don't seem to know who they are or what they want, who hide from themselves like the plague. Even when you climb up a butte or walk through the forest or out onto a frozen lake, the distant rumbling of cars, the highway, leafblowers, what have you, lurks in the valley like it is the troposphere itself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel that this place, in it's own unique way, lacks peace. Not in a traditional sense or in any way related to noise or violence in a tangible sense, but in the way it sits with the soul. My life is no Ritz, and I would say that 80-85% of the people I see here every day have far less than I do. Not necessarily materialistically, but I think these people, from the ones pushing shopping carts in the grocery store to those pushing them down alleyways and filling them with empty cans, I think this place is lost. Even if you have something here, a nice house, car, condo, whatever, you are surrounded, I think, by spectrum of desperation that reaches from one horizon to the other.
That is why I'm getting the hell out. Once I finish my business with Eugene, it's ciao bella, may you rest in peace. The first step may be Portland, but it looks more and more everyday that I will be booking myself a flight to the Old World and leaving the homeland behind. I'm shooting for Berlin but perhaps Frankfurt or Cologne. It won't be easy, mein deutsch ist nicht so gut, but I know I can make it. This is not, contrary to what one may assume, a grass is greener on the other side scenario. I have been to the other side and to me it is much more worth my time to explore than these shores at the moment. I don't share the American dream. America is too small. Literally, maybe not, but our culture revolves around itself and we are isolated in a world that any enlightened person with and ethical soul must resist in order to feel that they will make it through the gates in the end. Our American world is so diluted by the media, by pop politics and vanity and a horribly mindnumbing list of priorities that, though I consider myself a strong willed person on many levels, I simply can no longer accept or be among so many that do. I must succumb to the fact that this is not a level I can tolerate for much longer without falling into the grips of somehting rediculous like nihilism. So for me, it's got to be Get Out or Bust.
My boyfriend Simon has been here for almost three months looking for a job and thanks to the inadequacy of our system, he will be flying back to Germany on the 29th of this month. He had some hopeful chances, but only through family friends and one a couple of interviews with a connection made through Monster.com. The frustrating part of this situation was that the failure was seemingly due to (1) the flakyness of American organizations (companies, universities, and various other institutions) and (2) the utterly incorrigable American Immigration and Visa system.
There are 45,000 work visas for the US issued every year during the month of October. Companies that wish to acquire them must get them at this time. The larger companies gernerally buy them all up and they are ALL GONE within 2-3 days. There is a high demand for them and not only that, the process to hire a foriegn national will cost a company roundabouts of $500-$600 for EACH VISA. We have 300,000,000 people and we only issue 45,000 visas. Germany has 82,000,000 people and they issue upwards of 200,000 visas which can be acquired at any time with something as simple as a letter of intent. What are we doing? What image does this send to the world. What do we really have that other countries don't that is so desirable? The freedom to drive out fucking trucks on beautiful beaches? The freedom to take basketweaving and study hall and still get credit for an education? The freedom to distribute horribly racist, borderline propaganda on tv shows that are cut with 30 second clip after 30 second clip of jingles and colors and lies that let us know no one will every be complete? The ability to not have a say in who runs our country or how they run it? The ability to work 70 hours a week on two jobs and still not have health coverage and enough money to buy your kids school clothes at anywhere besides Goodwill, Ross or Tjmaxx? The freedom to let Walmart be our downtown? I could go on but there is a point where I will get too bitter and then I am in a bad mood for the rest of the evening.
Tonight Bill O'Reily will be on the Colbert Report and I can't wait to see how it unfolds. He is a man that contributes to all that is ugly and degenerate in this world. He should be thrown in jail for hate crimes and crimes against humanity. I really hope that Stephen rips him a new one like he did will the Dub. I guess we'll see.
Alright, well this post has been going on for long enough so I hope that I have caught at least something up here about my life, where it's been since last time and where it's going. I will be posting a lot of new pictures on my other site Catholic Guilt and Grenadine, you should check them out if you want. Until next time, take care and thanks for stopping by.

Ninjas and Pirates Agree: Cowboys Suck!

2006-06-14T23:46:00.000-07:00

Wall Art in Barcelona, Spain.

"...But though American Anglo-Saxons as a nation may conquer or dominate lesser breeds and nations, the new order of industry will also require a division of power and privilege between different classes of Anglo-Saxon in which some of the ruling race will sink to the level of "Poles or Huns or Russian Jews." The critical problem for the American ideology in this period of transition is to reconcile the principle of Anglo-Saxon superiority -- the ideological basis for imperialism abroad and for the subordination of some classes of Anglo-Saxons to others.
" This is one of the themes of...The Octopus (1901), the epic novel based on the "war" between farmers and railroad interests that ended in the Mussel Slough "massacre" of 1880. The embattled farmers of The Octopus are (for the most part) classic embodiments of the Anglo-Saxon drive for progress and domination. Yet they are defeated because under the new regime of commerce the race-gifts of pride, ambition, will, and aptitude for violence are not enough by themselves toensure dominance. Their expression must be consistent with the requirements of "the market," whose operations [are represented in the novel] as a law of nature, as irrisistable as the sex drive or the processes of natural fecundity. In a fully incorporated industrial order, when giant monopolies contend for worldwide markets, the future belongs to those (anglo-Saxons or not) whose racial gifts can be modified to find expression through a powerful corporate entity."

Damn you dime novels and your bigotous philosophies! To understand the present, look to the past and you will always find someone or something to blame for the stupid shit being played out today. And there's nothing you can do about it.
Hence, existentialism. Sweet, sweet existentialism.

-excerp taken from Richard Slotkin's Gunfighter Nation: The Myth of the Frontier in Twentieth Century America. READ IT!

Whose Fault is It?

2006-06-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

Ruhr District, Germany

This is a photo that I took in the Ruhr District in Germany, where the US National soccer team disgraced our nation with their complete lack of performance today at the World Cup against the Czech Republic. These "players" showed us today that they would rather go out giving nothing than risk losing after giving their best. I think that they showed a very selfish side.
So, on that note, I hope Ghana can kick some Czech and US ass and make it as far as they can, perhaps get the chance to show what they can do against Brazil, because our team doesn't deserve that chance.
I suppose if they redeem themselves by showing what they are really made of against Italy, which if they really tried they may even be able to pull off a draw, then they may gain back my respect.
It upsets me that the US, as far as most group sports go, are just a larger than life cliche of that group of kids that was popular in high school and did their best for the rest of their lives never to let go of those times. Inside the US, for the "world" series, the NBA "world" championships, in the NHL, our players boast about how immortal they are on the court or whatever, then when they are presented the opportunity to go out and show what they are made of in the international area, they are just shaking in their boots. I say that they are afraid of going anywhere where their reputation hasn't already been established. (Like the group of 'popular' kids that STILL only hang out with eachother and talk about the good old days even though those times were over 3, 5, even 10 years before.)
They are a burden to our national integrity, and I think that they need to understand this. Ally those basketball players that won't play in the Olympics because they don't get paid enough, or all those soccer players who put more energy into digesting food than into winning a match, should no longer get credit that they don't deserve. It's like boasting to have the best, most free and opportunistic society and then insisting that it ought not be shared with anybody unless (they sign a contract with Coca-Cola, Bud Light or Halliburton or something, of course!). What a shame what a shame.

"Die Welt zu Gast bei Freunden"

2006-06-09T17:47:00.000-07:00

WC Trophy

So, the World Cup has begun! Wonderful! Besides the fact that few people care about the event over here in the good old US of A and that our ESPN commentators are witless dullards, I am very pleased to be able to watch some interesting soccer and am excited that the US is JOINING other nations in some international thing. How refreshing.
Though the US is in a tough group (w/ Italy, the Chzech Republic, and Ghana), I have faith in them. If they succeed and can make it to the quarter final, it could mean a lot for the tournament. But that means we have to beat Brazil. *sigh*
One can always dream.
Anyways, I haven't really been faithful to updating this here blog, though I have had every intention to do so. There is a lot on my mind all the time that I could afford to get out. I'll do my best, but no promises.
As far as my life is going right now, I am in Eugene finishing up Spring term, finals are next week and then back to Portland. I will have to share about my experience with this current roomate of mine.
I will be back in Germany to visit my Simon on the 19th and will return here on the 7th of July. Then it's back to the same old routine. Work, hang out, plan for next year, then back to Eugene. Simon will be leaving good old Europe the middle of this November to come live and work here in the Eug, which I am looking so much foreward to I could just burst!
So that is the status, hopefully I can get myself to do a little more updating so that the world can again indulge itself in all that is the glorious and scintillating mind I get to call my own.
Until then, take care.

Ciao Bella

2006-03-01T09:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am now in Bella Italia! I arrived in Pompeii yesterday evening and will be here until tomorrow evening, when I leave for Palermo. I checked out the ruins this morning, they are very cool, but very big! The ruins are about as big as the city itself! Tonight I will take an excursion to Sorrento and tomorrow will take a tour to Vesuvio and walk around the crater. Exciting! I am having a great time. I also just found out that my boy Simon has started to work out getting a visa for the US! This makes me very very happy.
One drawback: I have to sign up for classes and I dont know what I need to take. I dont have that much time left to fulfill my requirements so I am a little stressed. But hell, Im doing what I always wanted to do so I have no room for complaints.
Ciao for now, take care!

Gruß aus Deutschland!

2006-02-23T15:07:00.000-08:00

Hello. I have decided to post again. So...although nobody reads this except soliciters...I would like to say that I am having an amazing time o'er here in Europe. Update: I have now seen lots of Denmark, as well as Oslo, Stockholm, Göteburg, Berlin, Cologne, Munich, a lot of the Ruhr District (western Germany), Amsterdam, Prague and Barcelona. Tomorrow very early I leave to Paris, then I will be back in Cologne to spend Karneval with some freinds, then off to Italia to see the motherland and meet some of the Fam. (Excuse the silly, stereotypical american slurs but it amuses me to use them in such a context as europe)
I Will see Pompeii, Palermo, Cosenza/Grimaldi (the roots), Venice and Rome. Meeting my family down there will be a trip seeing as they aren't so keen on english. Mamma Mia. Wish me luck.
So far I have made myself some fancy expuriences, some fancy friends and found myself a civilized German boy to make my life in Europe suitable to my tastes. And my boy, se llama Simon, will hopefully will be able to join me in the NW-US this coming fall.
Well, thats enough for now, I have some beer to finish and sleep to get. So...until next time...Auf Wiedersehen.

Sweden!

2005-09-01T05:05:00.000-07:00

Some of my friends and I took a ferry over to Gothenburg, Sweden for a night just yesterday. It was amazing. The ferry ride in itself through the Baltic was fantastic. I can say that I was very impressed with Sweden...I almost wish that I had chosen to study there, though I think it would be too expensive. Don't get me wrong, I really am enjoying Aalborg, I just feel that the culture here is more oriented towards the shopaholics than, say, people that collect music. Everything is very mainstream and most of the young people here dress like the greek life kids back home. I can say they don't act that way, everyone is very nice and substantial, but I was hoping to find more of a counterculture here. I guess that's just not what Aalborg is about.
I am very excited to start school, as I am lead to believe the manner in which the classes are taught is significantly different and far more progressive than most other universities in the world. Also, it doesn't seem that there are any other international students participating in the Psychology program I am enrolled in, so I will probably be spending a lot of time with danish students, as opposed to the American students I have met. It seems the americans are really trying to stick together and I'm not very into that. I have made many friends from Germany, Canada, Italy and Austrailia whom I like very much.
One thing I have been struggling with here is my nationality. Of course, I have yet to meet anyone who has given me trouble about being from the US, but it seems people are less interested in Americans, like we're not very token among the groups of other international students or maybe we're not taken as seriously. I have only been here for about two weeks so I can't say that this is true, but it is just the impression I've gotten. Maybe it's just me, which is quite possible. Who knows.

Okay...I have just read over what I have written so far and my style is terrible! I have already had some conversations with my other enlish-speaking friends about something like this. We have noticed that being around people who are speaking english as a second language has effected our vocabulary and the level of complexity in which we speak. I find this very interesting, yet also very frustrating as I compare previous posts to this one. I fear that speaking simply may lead to thinking more simply and thats not going to help me at all. I guess we'll just have to wait and see, as with everything. Alright, I only have so much time alotted to use the computer and I need to get my web-surfing fix, so I think my rambling will end for now. Hopefully I will be able to update more often once I am on campus more. So, until next time...thanks for stopping by and take care!

Re-LOCATED.

2005-08-24T04:06:00.000-07:00

I'm updating now from Denmark!
This won't be a long post because there are people waiting for the computer.
I just though I'd check up on the site and keep all my readers (ø) filled in.
If you know me and you would like to get a postcard or two you should send me an email with your address...If you don't have my email then I probably don't know you too well or you lost it. Have your people contact my people back home and maybe we can work something out.
Favel. Take care!

I wonder how cold it has to be for time to stop completely...

2005-07-28T01:48:00.000-07:00

.

It's hot.
It's hot.
It's hot.
So, it's so hot.
It's hot in this room. Keeps me awake.
Or maybe I just keep thinking the heat keeps me awake...maybe there's something more?
I need to unwind. Does it ever seem that more goes on when you're doing nothing than when you're on a roll? Perhaps I just have too much time to think these days.
You want to know what I'm thinking about right now?
I'm thinking about that last string of words, I guess.
Too much time, eh? Too much...yeah, but when is anything ever enough? It's always too much or too little. I think the concept of human satisfaction at times is tantamount to the concept of love itself. You never know...you never know if this it good enough, if this is really so bad...
Is this really so bad? Nah.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...well...is this:
Sometimes I feel more alone when I'm surrounded by those who truely care for me.
Sometimes a smile will puddle me up and leave me seeping through cracks in the floor.
Sometimes I just want to tear the world apart.
Break it down. Break it all to pieces, slip them in my pocket...put them together tomorrow on a picnic table in the park. Put them together, a mosaic that I can see clearly, that I can run my fingers across without getting a single sliver, measurable and melting at a pace I can understand.
Sometimes I can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all.

Beyond Good and Evil

2005-07-24T04:32:00.000-07:00

.

So, where am I? What could I possibly be doing? These are the questions of the times. If you know the answers, please be so kind as to share them.
I think the wierd thing about growing older is how warped time becomes. It seems, of course, as if time is slipping away at an unprecedented pace. It seems.
Reality, though, maintains that time is still passing as it has been since the beginning of everything. And the complexities are endless.
Life is complication. Life is work. Life is a journey and oh Lord does it ever go on and on.
Luckily for me my life is changing and twisting and turning in all sorts of bizarre directions. I'm leaving the only place I've ever really known very soon while getting my bad self into all sorts of complicated and completely novel situations, yet it's as if I'm not even trying.
I don't feel like I'm doing much differently. My perspective is changing almost everyday it seems while the routine stays the same. I couldn't tell you what kind of person I'll be in twenty-four hours from this very moment if my life depended on it. Its a meniacal life, but everything seems to add up at the end of the day, so I say business is good.
Accept the fact that you never know what to expect and, no matter how turbulent things get, tomorrow brings new routes to calmer seas if you can take the time to look. And not take anything without stride. This world's bigger you think it is.
Yeah, I like the sound of that. This will be where we part until whenever. At the moment I'm cleansing my playlists of the sediments of the past, an activity that really makes you wonder what the hell you were thinking. I am wondering myself to smithereens, and I'm only at F!
So anyways, thanks for stopping by and take care of yourself.

this is what living like this does

2005-06-13T02:41:00.000-07:00

.

The title of this entry is a reference to times. Times of the past. Things that happen, then become memories all too quickly. This year has been the longest yet. Well, I guess there have been some long years, but this one contends...
and it's almost through, in the...well, school sense you could say. I have spent this year laying around sulking in the past and the present and the truth is that, as of yet for me...the only meaning you can truely love in this life is the future. Faith. Faith in yourself and in the potential of others and in your ability to get drunk if you can't otherwise maintain.
I can say, as of yet...I'm no quitter and I...well...I exist, effect people and I affect them. I do. You do to, never question that. Ever.
I have had, in this year, some friendships and relationships that have established for me that there is such thing as a true connection and a true need for love and acceptance.
We live as if there is something to prove, it leaves so many lonely in the end. So many. There always has to be something to do and expectations make us sick with it, we can't seem to live and to love and to love ourselves, until we realize we hate everything. Nothing is good, no, nothing. But is everything bad? Yes!
No. Life is good. Life is you. What you think of life is really what you think of yourself. Things aren't fair? You're not fair to yourself. You think life is slapping you in the face? You slap your fucking self, so shut the fuck up.
Although you hit me hard, I come back.
That's right, and if you think I'm bullshitting you, say something. Yeah. Try and do something about it, you son-of-a-bitch.
When you feel something so strong...love, hate, peace, jealousy, satisfaction...you are ALIVE. Hey, you are ALIVE. Newsflash.
Why waste it? Why waste your valuable TIME on anything so silly as something that is not yours to maintain in the first place, something you didn't create, something you didn't decide...you are life. How do you want life to be?
You don't know. Yeah, maybe you do. So do it. YOURSELF. You're not stuck, the past is what you base your experience on and you keep on living. It's so epic.
It's a romance with yourself you are living, scene by scene, play by play, it's yours. Get lost, find yourself, find those things about yourself that make you so happy or so angry that you puke all over the street or you sofa or your own bed. Then do it. Then embrace it. It happened, it's done and it's yours. You ought to clean it up, though. Yeah, that would be beneficial.
You don't have to worry about me, but you can. I wouldn't be freaked out, I wouldn't judge. I would listen to what you've done, and more importantly what you've learned from it. All I have is my life to hit you back with. I all I have is what you have, you have me too. That's it. Me and you...them...us. This is our story. That's it.
I could drink to that. I will. This is my life, and it's ending one second at a time, and ending and ending and ending. It's ending?
Sometimes. Sometimes it still feels I'm beginning one second at a time, and that's what it means to me. At least it means something. At least it fucking means something. That's it.

Don't ask me to explain.

2005-06-06T17:49:00.000-07:00

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Now that school is winding down and I am in somewhat different spirits, I feel it is time again to commit to updating my blog. I can say fully and surely that I will be overjoyed to GET THE HELL OUT of this apartment. 1 week left!
My wonderful roomates failed to inform me that one of their friends from Pendelton, OR was MOVING INto our place this sunday. So now there are 4 people living here and there are piles of dirty junk laying around everywhere, including a near-scrapped motorcycle ON OUR PORCH. If I wasn't getting the f* out so soon, I would be looking for someplace else to live. To be honest, though, this new person has distracted the other two enough for them to leave me to my own business. Lately the story around here has been that my two roomates are now doing each other, for some reason or another, and I guess they think it's funny to try messing with me in their own silly ways, ones I have been witnessing them do to eachother this whole year. I think the gang-up-on-Alyssa bit would bother me more if it were still, say, april...but it's not, it's JUNE and it's nice not to have time to worry about it. It's just hard to concentrate when you're living space looks like the aqua-teen hunger force's house (specifically when shake decides to fill the house with raw chicken and burn styrofoam to stay warm). Well, it's not that bad, but there WAS raw chicken found in the outside storage closet (from god knows when) and I have had to regulate the burning of plastic a few times now. Ugh.
*inhale*
Okay...so I went off there a little. These things happen.
After talking about this situation with my mother this past weekend, I have realized that I have learned about the same amount, if not more, outside classroom this year. Especially considering I'm a psych major, living in this small-town bizzarro world has taught me all to much about the dynamics of the existence of those with self-inflicted depression (a condition more and more prevalent these days). Neurotics are a handful and there habits get contagious, let me tell you. But we all have these experiences, right? Right.
So, on another note, I have broken myself out of what I consider to have been quite a monotonous music phase. Yeah, I was purely in saddle creek/sigur ros mode there for about a month and a half. It wasn't bad, just limited. New(/back) in the rotation include The Decemberists, Of Montreal, Joanna Newsom, Aimee Mann, Neva Dinova, CocoRosie, SDRE, Les Savy Fav, Belle and Sebastian, Camera Obscura and Cat Power with a little Bob Dylan, Radiohead and Immortal Technique. I really want to get my hands on a Blue Scholars album, but alas I have only enough money for bread and tomatoes. The Blue Scholars are a hip hop duo, from Seattle I believe, who deliver both educated, politically conscious flows and sweet beats simultaniously and consistently. I caught them live at the Sasquatch Music Fest and I was almost as impressed as I was sunburned (which was A LOT). I have decided that I also need to get into Japanese punk...why, I couldn't tell you. I just do.
Alright, it's about time I get back to the books. As always, thanks for stopping by, if anyone does, and take care.

Catholic Guilt and Grenadine: on the balcony's, um, cousin I suppose. Need a novelty fix? Check it out.

Sasquatch! Music Fest - 900 degrees - May 2005

2005-05-31T19:24:00.000-07:00

Bloc Party! UK get down!

Blue Scholars rappin about the NW and American society. Buy their CD if you can find it. Do it.

The best pic I could get of the Arcade Fire. Damn the tall people!

Kanye Chi-town Hip-Hop Blah Blah Blah

You would be able to tell that was Wilco if my camera didn't suck. Or if I didn't suck. Well, guess they didn't suck so to hell with it all!

Joanna Newsom. Chick with a harp, a crazy voice and a knack for sweet poetry. Less pop-oriented music afficianados ought to check out her work. I'd say she's on my top 10.

A modestly beautiful backdrop, I would like you to notice, for a not-so-much-anymore Modest Mouse.

Is this photo better than the last? ...more Modest Mouse.

Was this the Pixies during the first version of Wave of Mutilation, or the second? Hmmm...I can't remember.

My pal Hannah and an irradiated me. Pink is the new black, right? Yeah, I'm still stylin'.

More Nice Photos Taken in Tokyo - March 2005

2005-05-24T02:41:00.001-07:00

View from the host fam's pad.

Car park...

Asakusa temple marketplace.

Asakusa temple. Yeah, the phallic part.

It's nice to see a little honesty in pop culture today.

Garden on Waseda campus.

Shinjuku! Sharks!

Love hotel! Read the sign and it will all make sense. Oh yeah.

Yakuza? Perhaps...

2-D Buildings!

hair saga

2005-05-20T02:04:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when you don't know what you're doing...

Before I used the bleach of hell...

me as a pasty orange-haired dissatisfied freak!!

my hair is on fire!

Then I got professional help...thank GOD.

it's short!

It's blond! It's funkdafied!

I'm happy!

If you're wondering what I looked like before the black hair...um...that's me with the wine.

So...if I gave you a shovel, could you dig it? Tell me what you think...

Photos Taken While Boating, April 2005

2005-05-12T21:30:00.001-07:00

Columbia!

Che bella

birds

No trespassing?

a different perspective.

clovers

thistle

Martin Island, WA

clovers that grow underwater? You betcha.

represent.

Sushi with Kristi April 2005

2005-05-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

Chow down

Suki!

Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing?

C'est la Vie

2005-05-11T13:59:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone...
I know I haven't updated in a while, the only reason I think I can give you without beginning to make up excuses is that life is catching up with me. Right now, even, I should be studying for a biology midterm that I will be taking in 2 hours...oh well. I have some good things to share though:

I have been doing really well in all of my classes and I am experiencing a phenonemon called learning, as opposed to memorization and forgetting, which is nice.

I have come to the final stages of organizing my study abroad plans for next year. I will be in Aalborg, Denmark and Oslo, Norway...are you jealous?

As for me, as for my emotional status...I could say I've been better and I've been worse. I really have little to complain about that's actually worth the grief...I guess I've just been looking back on this year and it has brought me down a little. Well, maybe a lot. I have, as of yet, been unsuccessful in surrounding myself with peers, with people who have grown, with people whom I share common goals...or even a common taste in music. I do have many friends whom I care for and I know care for me, it's just we've all either become different people or have yet to move on to the next step. The love is there, but I think the relation is slowly fading.
My living situation this year I think has made me mature too quickly, I'm not as entertained by the silly old things of the past, I don't laugh as easily, I often take things too seriously and I think my relationships are suffering. I'm just looking for some acceptance. I want to lose the vanity of it all. I want to feel on the inside that my life is not slowly ending but progressing. I have things to look foreward to, yet I can't seem to allow myself to get too excited about them. Things never turn out as they should...actually they turn out exactly as they should...but never, ever how you imagine or want them too. It's hard, too, when you feel alone or incidental.
Once I return to portland I think things will change for the better. I just want to go off to europe feeling good about life and it's course. Growing up is hard. Acceptance is hard to find. Why?
Anyways, I should get studying. By the way, I don't want you guys to think I'm having a terrible time right now because of this post, things are really okay...I guess I'm just finishing up this emotional slump I will call my second year of life away from home. Thanks for stopping by and take care.

It'd be easier if I showed you.

2005-04-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

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Kids Show: a rather troubling children's show featiring Lebanon, hot dogs and the dark nature of capitalism. Check it out.

Pasturized for Your Safety

2005-04-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

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I don't understand why people eat such terrible food. I don't understand it and I myself have done it for years. Funky toaster waffles for breakfast...McDonalds for lunch....the occaisional 2am Taco Bell run, or perhaps Carl's Jr...
My life was permeated with big red shiney Safeway apples and little round golden chucken nuggets galore...but until I started eating organic, I never knew how much I was missing. Have you ever seen an organic strawberry before? Talk about a gem...they actually shimmer when the sun shines on them. What on earth are we doing to ourselves?

everything is illuminated

2005-04-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

there's a new one. see if you can find it.

/Wondering How Long That's Going to Last/

2005-03-30T01:50:00.000-08:00

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Okay…quick summary of the events since I last updated:

Drove to Portland/Got the car towed/Poker/Flew to Japan/Lied about my age on the plane/Got drunk off Sapporo/Arrived in Japan/Walking/Drinking/Trains/Karaoke/Sushi/Engrish/Pool/Sake/DDR/Sex shops/Bowling/Koreans/Walking/Drinking scorpion/English pub/Waseda drama/Shrines/Fortunes/Trains/Japanese porn from 11pm-1am/The big box/Drinking by the river/Falling on the stairs/Sun/Rain/Blowfish/Shark ramen/All you can drink for 2 hours/Writing in my journal/Konban WAAAA?!?!?!Konban WAAA?!?!?!/Red bean paste/More karaoke/Power Rangers/Walking/Smoking/Rain/Sun/Suntory/Earthquake/South Park/Phone trouble/Pool/Accommodating vending machines/Boats/Ferris wheels/Tokyo Tower…333!/Getting lost on the trains by myself/Sleeping on the floor/Showers where people talk to you/Lots of some of the damn best food I ever tasted/Prostitutes/Awesome host family/Super mall with virtual reality/Yakuza/Bikes/Shiny cars/Trains/Walking/Almost getting in a fight in the subway/J-pop/Chopsticks/No garbage on the ground/No garbage cans/Yen!!/Manga/Orange people/Costumes/Souvenirs/The hub/Flew back to the US/Lied about my age on the plane/Got drunk off red wine/Arrived in Portland the morning before I left/Kicked it with the little bro/Drank with Lindsay P/Old high school kids/Relaxed in a hot tub with a bunch of naked chicks and yay/Adopted a cat/Gave the cat up for adoption/Video Lair/SweetTakeshi Miike films/Spent time with the family/Easter/Got a bike/Returned to Eugene/Found my roommate isn’t leaving after all/Found that the roommate is much less psycho than before/Wondering how long that’s going to last/Realized I apparently am missing out by not having seen ‘Lost in Translation’/Classes began/Went to Goodwill and acquired some decor/Pulled it to Ducks Village in a shopping cart with bike/Fell over while riding the bike/Set up the comp/Updated the blog/Hit ‘publish’.

Yeah, that’s about it. I will elaborate soon, but alas, my bed is calling my name. Thanks for stopping by, oyasumi nasai!

Catholic Guilt and Grenadine

Koko ni yoko kuru?

2005-03-17T00:47:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm off to Tokyo tomorrow, I will be taking many, many pictures, being very, very confused and alliviating my vexations with liquor which I will purchase there from a vending machine. Yes.

I'll update when I return on the 24th. Maybe sooner...but from what I know about Japan, everything is very primitive and they shun technology, so if I don't find a 'computer' with 'internet capabilities'....too bad. I'll try.

To all who bothered stopping by: domo arigato gozai mashita, konban wa! Buona vacanza di marzo!

BIG NEWS

2005-03-07T20:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am on a friends computer and she has a paper to write...so I'm going to keep it short and sweet.......

The good news:

1) MY PSYCHO B**** ROOMATE IS MOVING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2) I will be studying psychology, among other things in DENMARK next fall for a semester, and I will spend spring in either Sweden, Norway or Finland. Wierd!
3) Countdown to Tokyo...9 days

The bad news:
1) I have a virus on my comp, so it is currently out of commision.
2) With no psycho-downer chick moping around the apartment, ruining everything...there may be less introspective posts and more writing about how good life is. Shucks.
3) It's finals time. Oh well.

Soon I will be Truely Liberated

2005-03-01T15:42:00.000-08:00

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I will share with you a little chinese poem I happened to come upon that I thought was pretty neat...

Substance, Shadow and Spirit

Substance says to Shadow...

Heaven and Earth endure eternally,
Mountains and streams will never change;
The plants know their natural course,
They wither and flourish in frost and dew.
Man should be above them in intelligence,
But he alone is unlike them:
A while ago he was living,
Now he is gone and will never return.
No one ever awakens from the dead;
Friends and relatives will not long remember him.
Looking at the things he used in his life,
Our eyes fill with tears.
I have no moral magic to overcome death:
Certainly death will overtake me.
I hope you will take my advice.
Whenever you have a chance, never refuse a drink.

Shadow says to Substance...

Immortality is beyond comprehension,
And it is hard to preserve life.
I would wander on the heights of the Mountains,
But closed is the road to that place.
Since the day I met you we have shared
The same joys, the same sorrows.
In the shade we seem to part for a while,
But in the sun we are always together.
We cannot keep company forever:
Together we shal vanish in the darkness.
The name dies when the body comes to an end.
Such is the painful thought that consumes my heart:
Our descendants will love a virtuous man,
So why should you not exert yourself?
Though wine may melt our sorrows,
Nothing compares with deeds well done.

Spirit expounds...

The Great Potter is always righteous.
All creatures appear with fullness and clarity.
Man takes his place between Heaven and earth--
Is it not on account of me?
Though I differ in nature from you both,
Ever since birth we have been together
With intimate sharing of good and ill.
I could not but speak to you.
The Three Emperors were great sages,
But where are they today?
P'eng Tsu enjoyed a grand old age:
If he had desired it, he could not stay.
Old and young meet the same death,
So do countless wiseacres and fools.
Only ceasless drunkeness brings forgetfulness,
Yet it hastens our end.
Virtuous deeds bring happiness,
But how can we be certain of praise?
ponder how all this harms our life.
We should resign ourselves to fate
And drift on the waves of Great Nature,
Niether joyfully nor fearfully:
When the end comes, let it come,
And no more cares beset you.

I was browsing through this old anthology of chinese poetry, entitled "The White Pony", that I bought last summer for a nickel, and I came across all sorts of poems like this...I'm an insomniac, so I have a lot of time on my hands. I really like poetry, I wish I was more talented at it...I try, but I guess I'm never satisfied, I always feel that what I make is either contrived or missing something significant. Of course, I really hate letting other people read my work, so I have no way of knowing whether it's worth my time to write it or if its just a bunch of rubbish. Oh well.
With all those sleepless hours I had to kill last night, it would have been nice to have an internet connection. But, sadly, nothing was working. It was quite odd actually, I wasn't even getting reception on my television...not one channel was working.
I had gotten bored and decided to turn on some Adult Swim to pass the time a little quicker. Normally I read, but I had just finished a book that afternoon and didn't have the energy to start another one at 2am. When the reception cut off, I half expected the ground to start rumbling or my door to slam closed, anything bizarre, but I was sorely dissappointed. Nothing ever happens.
Anyways, after waiting for about a minute, I said 'screw TV, I'll go online'...but alas! I had no connectivity. At all.
I ended up painting a small picture with some acryllics and canvas board I recieved for Christmas. The painting kind of sucks, but at least I had something to do.
I finally ended up getting to sleep around 6:30 or so, and slept through my alarm once again and missed a whole day of class. I got up this afternoon at about three to find the apartment empty and not a single roll of toilet paper in the whole damned place.
Last night, I had to use the restroom and I replaced a finished roll with a new roll out of my roomate's drawer under her sink. Apparently, this was unacceptable because not only was the fresh roll missing from the bathroom, but all the rest of the rolls she had were gone as well. Sitting near her sink was a lot note detailing how, while she is gone (until Saturday! YES!), she wants us to take care of her snakes, down to waking up early to turn on her lights, feeding her mice, spraying down her cages with approximately 87 degree water, and all of this other bullshit. She didn't even write 'thanks' at the bottom or anything. Who the hell is this person? Oh, and she also left me a nice little note about how much I owe her for the bills I didn't even know we had recieved yet.
So, I ventured into her room to seek out some TP, and found yet another lovely suprise. The reason I didn't have any service was due to the fact that she must have disconnected her computer to take with her last night, and she didn't even bother to re-plug in the modem and router that is responsible for my internet signal. How considerate. She didn't even tell me she was taking her computer, she could have at least had the courtesy to tell me that I won't have internet for four days. So I ripped all the cables out from under her desk that concerned the modem and router, and placed them under MY desk, in MY room...where I know they will be responsibly managed. I haven't been able to use my internet service, which costs me about $30 a month, for 2 whole months now. I figured the problem had something to do with how faulty my computer is, but it turns out that my roomate didn't have enough plugs on her power tap for her snakes AND my router, and I guess she went with the snakes. All year she has been kicking it over, which I let slide...but this is out of line.
When she returns, I guess I'm going to have to explain to her that her irresponsibility and inconsideration is now going to cost her a pretty penny because she's going to have to invest in a wireless USB adapter. I have one, but if she can't share fucking TOILET PAPER or even a decent attitude, I'm sure as HELL not going to lend her my little $40 commodity. FUCK that.
Usually, I can let things slide, and I could really give a damn about her, her trivial problems that she creates for herself and the drama she creates...but this was too much. I dyed her hair for her on sunday for christsakes, and I did a damn good job...but shit like that doesn't account for anything when you're miserable. My only consolation is that I'm sure she's going to work for Rite Aid the rest of her life. She will never have enough money to do what she wants because she is a walking example of your average, American consumer whore; EVERYthing she buys is name brand (to displace the void left by her insecurity, I assume) and she will never have a good friend for the rest of her life. Unless, of course, she decides to grow up. Projecting your own misery onto others, blaming them for it, does not score popularity points...and she just lost a fairly tolerant person whom has tried to stay her friend, help her and humor her. But thats her problem, not mine. She's not taking ME down with her.
Saturday, I guess, will be the day of reckoning. I am going to sit her down, tell her the situation with the internet, express my disgust with her selfishness (regarding the TP, among other things) and her overall negative influence on the atmosphere of the appartment, and that she owes me $85 for a certain tobacco* smoking apparatus, which we split equally at the beginning of the year (which I guess she thinks she was just going to keep because "by the end of the year, Alyssa is going to owe me at least that much money" according to a friend). Oh, and I'm going to tell her that if she doesn't start taking responsibility for her messes, especially in the kitchen, I am going to just deduct out of the monthly bills how much I feel she owes me for my time cleaning up her stupid, disgusting shit. I will leave very little room for compromise.
I can't WAIT.

...fyi, if you couln't already tell...at the moment I am fairly PISSED. I don't normally go off like this about people, but today my threshold has been breeched. I feel much better now that I have written about it, much less hostile, much farther away from violence. I think I'm going to take a hot shower...and maybe get drunk. Sorry about venting, thanks for stopping by and TAKE CARE.

Out of my system

2005-02-25T18:15:00.000-08:00

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Last night, at about 2:30-3:00 am, I decided to get online and get some surfing in before I passed out. I had been drinking a bit with my pal Ingrid, relaxing and watching Requiem for a Dream when I noticed she had fallen asleep...what else was I to do?
Anyways, out of habit I checked up on one of my good friend's sites to see if he had updated since the last time I visited (earlier that evening). During the previous visit, I commented on a post which addressed Donnie's sentiment concerning the 'anti-establishment/anti-everything craze. I said that it is true in that is utterly obnoxious when silly kids go out of their way to rattle off their anti-societal feelings (especially when irrelavent to whatever is being discussed) just to let everyone know how trendy they are, to score 'scene points' and such, but that one must appriceate that being aware of the horrid state of things (ie with our current government and modern society) is far more productive than caring about silly, artificial material culture. In the post, he said something along the lines of being annoyed by how many kids are wearing Che Guevara shirts, so in my comment I stated that I would rather see some dumbass wearing a one of these shirts than rocking a Hollister shirt.
In summary, most of the comments that followed were either agreeing with what Donnie said in the post or mocking the pseudo-rebel kids. Of course, the 'today, people automatically hate whatever is cool' card was played, along with the 'if it makes you happy, there should be no problem with it' routine. Okay, so it's not so much as a routine as it is a feeble point all depending on who it's coming from.
I guess I just got frustrated. I know Donnie has a head on his shoulders and plays fair, so I ain't got no beef with him, it's just scary to critisize people for trying to be active members of their society. If they obviously don't know what their talking about, either ignore them or correct them. Just don't put them to shame! Maybe these idiots, in thier striving to come off as politically aware, will take a politics class, a philosophy class or some sociology and become truely enlightened about what they had been blathering about before. Shit, then they might actually DO something about it instead of merely giving opinions about this or that all day long. Or maybe not, but I think it's worth letting them roll with it as opposed to making them feel stupid.
Over the course of this school year, a lot of what I felt about life, our culture and the antics of our government have materialized into who I am today. Last term, following some unfortunate events concerning permanently parting ways with one of my extremely close friends, I decided to say "fuck people" for a while, and take some time to sort things out and touch bases with myself on where I was going and what the hell was going to do with myself from then on out. I mostly kept to myself; my main activities centered around music, reading, blogging, self reflection and observing what was going on in my immediate surroundings, as well as in the world in general. I came to realize a hell of a lot, more than I could even try to touch on in a single post. I have changed significantly, and lately my struggle has been coming to terms with how my life is changing regarding my relationships with others, my beliefs, my social responsibility and whether it's all worth the trouble.
So far, I have found that relationships at this age tend to cause more grief than they merit. So I guess I have been focusing my energy on ignoring all the artificial bullshit and focusing on what it real. It's a tough raquet, I must say, but as of yet I'm convinced it's been worth the energy I have put into it and it's damn good at building character.

Ah, it's nice to have that out of my system. For now, I have some heavy drinking and laughing and living to do...so I think that is all for today. I do reccomend checking out my friend Donnie's site from time to time, it's pretty sweet and he is (supposedly) coming out with a new design he has been working on for a while. Anyways, take care and try to enjoy yourself...despair is overrated.

What a day

2005-02-24T18:43:00.000-08:00

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Today Pope John Paul II had a flu relapse and was sent to the hospital, where he underwent a tracheotomy which, as far as we know, went successfully. He is 87, and he hasn't been doing so well lately.
I woke up early this morning to register for my courses for spring term, and while browsing through what was available I got distracted and decided to check out the top headlines for the day (I don't get the paper). I saw a headline that announced that the Pope was hospitalized and instantly got a knot in my stomach.
This feeling that washed over me, not so much of sorrow as it was a peculiar sense of distress, was nothing I would have anticipated. Of course, I was raised Catholic, so there is still a certain attachment to what the Pope stands for, but I have lost faith over the years. I guess I would fret over any 87 year old in such a condition, especially a guy as charming as John Paul II, but I think it goes beyond that.
There is so much grief in the world, and despite the Catholic church, the Pope is a symbol of faith, purity and sanctuary that inspires people to live well, it gives them something/someone to trust. It makes them smile. What a thing to lose.
Whether it was prayer, God's will or the simple fact that John is, how should I say...pretty damn hardcore...I'm glad he's still with us. Viva Giovanni Paolo II!
Also, I found out today whilst trekking through the Student Rec Center to my (kick-ass) Jeet Kune Do class, that a junior at Grant High School (which I equally love/loathe from my own ever-distant high school days in Portland) collapsed and died last night during a basketball match agaist Madison HS. I guess he was sitting on the bench when he broke down, they rushed him to the hospital and he was soon after pronounced dead. His name was Elliot Barnett and he was an aquiantence of many of my younger brothers good friends who also attend Grant. I believe he was 17.
This event, to me, was also quite disheartening considering the boy's age. After 17 years, real life begins to come into the periphery, the experiences are more tangible and understood, potential becomes evident...though he may have passed only having dealt with the artificial politics of high school and childhood (of course I, myself can't know this for certain), it is very hard to see someone go, for those who knew and loved him, at such an age. So it goes.
On a less dismal note, I am beginning to organize my plans to study abroad next year. The idea I have as of now is that I will spend fall term in Macerata, Italy, winter term in either Amsterdam or London, and possibly spring term at Simon Frasier University near Vancouver, BC in Canada. Yes, that would be more than fansastic. I also got the vibe from my mother that my parents would be all for it...so either that means they don't want to see me for a whole year or they're excited about the opportunity for me to do something they know I have wanted to do for a long while now. I'll keep my fingers crossed for the latter.
To make sure that these aspirations won't cripple my plans to successfully graduate with my dual major on time, I have decided to bite the bullet and take 20 credits this coming term. So far I am taking Philosophy of Film, Reproduction and Development (bio), Development (psych), US Politics and I'm finishing up my second year of italian. I think that should do.
Other than that, I haven't much more to share with you today...I have been researching the concept of Cascadia in light of recent topics of discussion in my Social and Political Philosophy class. In a nutshell, it is the proposition that the Pacific Northwest (namely Oregon, Washington and British Columbia, CAN) should break away and form their own little republic. Yes, I know...it is a splendid and remarkable idea, but not flawless. It's an interesting concept to ponder, and I will share my thoughts on it sometime in the near future. For now, I have bigger fish to fry. Literally.
Thanks for stopping by and, for christ'sake...take care of yourself.

No, they're lazy, George, I say we don't

2005-02-17T16:18:00.000-08:00

guess who...

When the president talks to God
Are the conversations brief or long?
Does he ask to rape our women’s' rights
And send poor farm kids off to die?
Does God suggest an oil hike
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
Are the consonants all hard or soft?
Is he resolute all down the line?
Is every issue black or white?
Does what God say ever change his mind
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
Does he fake that drawl or merely nod?
Agree which convicts should be killed?
Where prisons should be built and filled?
Which voter fraud must be concealed
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
I wonder which one plays the better cop
We should find some jobs. the ghetto's broke
No, they're lazy, George, I say we don't
Just give 'em more liquor stores and dirty coke
That's what God recommends

When the president talks to God
Do they drink near beer and go play golf
While they pick which countries to invade
Which Muslim souls still can be saved?
I guess god just calls a spade a spade
When the president talks to God

When the president talks to God
Does he ever think that maybe he's not?
That that voice is just inside his head
When he kneels next to the presidential bed
Does he ever smell his own bullshit
When the president talks to God?

I doubt it
I doubt it

This, my friend, is just one of the many songs that you missed last night if you weren't blessed with the opportunity to catch the Bright Eyes show last night in Portland. Of course, you may have seen them on one of their previous dates on this tour, or you may be in Seattle and you should be seeing them tonight. Otherwise, I'm sorry, maybe next time.
This was the second to last show on the I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning tour in the US, where Bright Eyes played with Neva Dinova and Jesse Sykes and the Sweet Hereafter. It was fantastic.
I showed up a little late and only caught the last two songs of Neva Dinova's set. This group,I believe, is signed to crank! records and has worked with Bright Eyes before with the release of One Jug of Wine, Two Vessels. Neva Dinova's sound is full and melodic and should be a favorite of any fan of the ambient folk wave. Check out their official website here.
After that fine set, Jesse Sykes and the Sweet Hereafter graced us with some of their pleasent sound. Previous to seeing them live, I had only heard of them. The two original band members (Jesse Sykes-guitar, voice; Phil Wandscher-guitar) hail from Seattle and started playing together in 1998. This group has an interesting, mature sound combining ambient and somewhat dark melodies with sweet, abrasive vocals crooning reflective prose in the foreground. I thoroughly enjoyed their set and when I can afford it I will surely invest in at least one of their albums. You can find out more about them here.
Then came the main event, Bright Eyes, featuring Nick White (of Tilly and the Wall) on keyboards/organ, Mike Mogis (the multitalented genius/producer of most Saddle Creek releases and many more) , Jason Boesel (of Rilo Kiley) on drums, as well as some of the regular touring players, and finally...the birthday boy-genius Conor Oberst himself! Conor reached the ripe age of 25 on the 15th which renders him, based on his own words, almost dead. I suppose I will feel the same way when I am finally 25, if I make it...
The set was, needless to say, engaging. Most all of the tracks from I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning were played, and played well, along with some older gems, namely 'A Scale, a Mirror and These Indifferent Clocks', 'Padraic My Price' and 'Bowl of Oranges'. Also, some other new songs were played, including 'When the President Talks to God', with whose lyrics I opened this post with.
The set was amazing, though Conor didn't get quite as drunk as he was the last time I saw him, and was just more proof of how captivating his music really is. Contrary to what he speaks of so sincerely in his songs, this kid has got more soul than most of us.
The only drawback was the audience itself. Tall kids with popped collars, their gitty blonde girlfriends and the everpresent counterfeit Hot Topic scenesters were everywhere, and what made them worth mentioning was the amount of rage I felt when their chittery, trying voices dominated the first two sets. Also, please tell me what part of a Bright Eyes song would prompt someone to dance like they were at Prom and Hilary Duff was playing over the speakers? Honestly.
Now, I try not to judge to quickly, and I am no goddess of the indie scene, it's just frustrating when these people disrespect the new material with botched sing-along and freak dancing and shout through thier cell-phones during the older songs because they never saw them on MTV and really have no idea what is going on. Ugh.
I am happy that Conor and Saddle Creek are making it big, namely because thier music is what has gotten them this far, not commercial exposure. I suppose I saw this coming from the start, hopefull the emo-OC craze will die down soon and true fans can enjoy their art in peace. Nonetheless, the show was worth more than every dollar and every minute spent on it and I am looking foreward to seeing them again in Tokyo and on the upcoming Digital Ash in a Digital Urn tour. For more info on Bright Eyes, go here.
Thanks for stopping by and take care.

20

2005-02-14T22:02:00.001-08:00

.

Today is my birthday.
2 decades.
1 more year.

Happy Valentines Day!

Cat's Haiku

2005-02-10T16:34:00.000-08:00

Jack.

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

There's no dignity
In being sick - which is why
I don't tell you where.

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

My affection is conditional.
Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.

Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.

I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."

Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.

This was forewarded to me today via email, I thought it was somewhat clever and worth sharing. Cats are my idols! Welcome to my life....

Catholic Guilt and Grenadine

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

2005-02-09T23:54:00.000-08:00

.

Out of respect for my parents secular beliefs and of my constant yearning for character-building ventures...I will again this year recognise and participate in the Lenten tradition of foregoing some chioce worldly vice that I in so often sinfully take part. Actually, I will be giving up a few choice vices, namefully these:

1) meat
...recently I have been trying my darndest* (I don't quite know my opinion of this term, but I'm usin' it anyways) to become a vegetarian, so naturally this one is essential. With regards for the ever-popular 'no meat on fridays' rule, I am not a cop-out...for me they will be vegan fridays. I guess we will see how that works out.
2) junk food
...basically candy, fast food (which I don't normally eat, but still should be included), chips and crackers and pretty much any other crap that could be placed in the 'munchies' catagory. This one might get tough, but I guess thats the point of it...right? I chose this because I have done versions of it before and felt very triumphant with its accomplishment. Also, these foods are in their very nature horrid, as far as my principles are concerned, and I should do anything in my power to wean myself away from them anyways.
3) talking smack
...this is the 'becoming a better person' sacrifice. I feel that I need to be more positive in my daily discourse and conversation, to people's faces and behind thier backs. I don't think that I am particularly bad (relative to some I know) about saying mean things about people directly to them or in their absence, I am speaking more about making fun of people. I am sick with sarcasm and I think taking it easier on people will force me to be more forthright about how I truely feel about things instead of using some (extrememly clever) quick witted comment in order to skate around revealing my true sentiments. I hope you knw what I mean.

So there you have it...my Lenten sacrifices. I will try to keep you updated on my fidelity to them. If you are reading this and you have a particularly interesting thing you have chosen to surrender for the season, do share! Thanks for stopping by and, as always, take care.

Catholic Guilt and Grenadine

There is no wealth but life

2005-02-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

.

So it turns out saving money up for Tokyo is a little harder than I had prevously assumed. I have a $40 a week allowance from my student loans, which essentially is for food, that I have been just directly depositing into my savings account for the trip. Yet, with no other income (no job yet) I have found that it is a very difficult task to maintain my habits, good and bad, on no money at all. Who would have thought?
Lately I have been hanging out with a girl named Ingrid, whom has been in my italian classes on and off from the beginning of last year, and her relatively chill group of friends. It's nice to have more of a life outside this crummy, ill-dispositioned apparment, something I haven't exactly been able to enjoy for some time now. I have also been spending time with two other guys from my social and political philosophy class, whom I origionally got to know waiting for the bus, as well as (more recently) through a few late-night study sessions. The time I have spent with these people has been like a breath of fresh air, full of drinking and intellectual conversation, which is also something I haven't exactly been blessed with the past 4-5 weeks either. And I still find time to study, ahich is nice.
I apologize for not updating as soon as I had originally implied, but I had 3 hellish midterms this week and, as most of us know, simply the pressure imposed upon us during a time like this (let alone the actual studying/etc.) is enough to make someone just want to crawl in bed and sleep the stress away. Hence, while I was not updating, I was naturally laying in bed.
On top of all the studying, reading and laying around that I have been taking part in thoughout the week, my inability to cope with stress also found me in the hair salon by campus, where I got my hair cut into bangs for the first time in my life. I know what you're thinking..."wow, what a captivating story", but for me this was a big step considering I normally break out in hives at the mere thought of even getting a trim.
Oh, by the way...my birthday is a little over a week away (it's on the 14th)! I will be turing 20, which really does me no good whatsoever, but I'm looking foreward to in nonetheless. I feel I have to enjoy them while I still can...the way I see it, after this one, I only have one real birthday celebration left. After I turn 21, all subsequent birthdays are merely going to stand as reminders that time is passing by so much faster than I ever thought it could, silently taking with it everything I had ever promised myself to do and leaving me yet another year closer.
But one thing I do know, birthdays are a wonderful way, especially in my family, to get to spend time with so many people that love me and whom I value to an unfathomable degree. Plus, I willingly accept any excuse to get the hell out of Eugene with wide open arms.
Thats all I really have to say for now, I guess. If you want, you should check out my other blog Catholic Guilt and Grenadine sometime in the near future as I plan to be adding a few more movie and music...well...reviews (for lack of a better word) and probably some more mindless banter from yours truely. Thanks for stopping by, take care.

Yukisaki.....NIHON!!

2005-01-30T12:37:00.000-08:00

.

This weekend, as it happens, was f*ing fantastic.
I will provide for you some reasons why:
#1. I was in Portland.
#2. There was a large turnout for the Iraqi elections, which is a definite step in the right direction.
#3. A lot of people are still giving money and time to the SE Asia relief effort (at least from what I witnessed at my local parish).
#4. I finished all of my reading for the week (not normal).
#5. I now own the Japanese horror flick 'Uzumaki'. I think it's pretty cool.
#6. I went to Newport Bay Resaurant and had one of the most satisfying dinners EVER.
#7. I finally got my car back.
#8. I got to hang with Nao.
#9. I found out I am going to TOKYO, JAPAN for spring break to visit my cousin!
#@%! I also found out that BRIGHT EYES will be playing in TOKYO while I am there!!!

Yes, my friend/s (I have no hit counter)...life is good and I am smiling. My old car (a '79 240D M-Benz) is finally finished and it runs like a dream. My kickass dad overhauled and replaced the entire engine and breaks--and he even waxed it for me! He is certainly a rock-star in my book.
As for the whole Japan situation...I anticipate my experience will be something along the lines of a Takashi Miike film (if you know, you know). I have been waiting for an opportunity like this to come for so long, and not only do I get to travel--- I may even get to see my lover (Conor ;) while I'm there! I could muse about this for hours, but being lucky can be quite exhausting and a weekend of this calibur deserves to be finished off with a full sunday-night's sleep.
I have so much more to say, about a whole lot of things...so if you care to know, keep in touch.
Oyasumi Nasai!!!!

It's out there somewhere, I've seen it.

2005-01-28T16:40:00.000-08:00

.
As I was sitting outside the local bagelshop today trying to finish my reading for PHIL308 (or, more accurately, trying my best to do something productive with the two hours I had to go before my final class of the day), I had suddenly become distracted by the sudden, warming glow of the sun peeking through the clouds. I was lost in a swirl of thoughts, provoked by what I had just been reading, about how carefree our culture allows us to be, all the things it provides for us to want and how 'safe' everything seems. I was just watching and contemplating, most likely with some silly blank look on my face, when I saw a man ride by on a bike holding a peculiar envelope.
It was large and white, with a series of lines of print all scratched out with blue and black ink. It was headed by an enormous, single word in bold red letters.
This word was "PROOF".

What a lucky guy, I thought. Of all the absurdities that this world has slipped into our pockets, what a great thing to have.

No reason

2005-01-27T16:33:00.000-08:00

.

I haven't updated in so long! Or, at least not about anything new. I'm going to go on a mission and find something worth writing about...I really need to write, you see. It helps me maintain my initiative to do a number of other things, which I have no real motivation to speak of now I guess. Check back soon and hopefully I'll have something good to say. Take care.

I hope you know

2005-01-19T01:39:00.000-08:00

.

It's interesting how time passes by these days. You can almost feel it, as if existing through these moments is something we are actively taking part in. Maybe I'm just aging too quickly.
Life is such a game, I guess I'm just waiting for my turn to come around again.
I came in blind, learned that there are rules to follow.
I've learned which ones to break.
I've also learned that bluffing just makes it harder on everyone else, and leaves you with too many decisions to make.
Now, I'm just playing the cards I've been dealt.
Sitting around taking in all that idle conversation, more things that scream to be cared about.
I have started to measure my time into collections of days. The first, and least important, are monday and tuesday (and occaisionally sunday); these days skip by and barely leave a ripple on the surface of anything. Then we have wednsday and thursday, whose hours tend to hold more promising opportunity. Then like an evening the weekend eventually comes around...that friday-saturday haze.
Yeah, thats about all there is to it. It's not so bad.
I really need to start working, mix things up a bit. I've been able to keep school interesting, but it just doesn't have the flair and pizazz it once had for me. Okay, school has never had flair and pizazz...but I hope you know what I mean. Novelty is a bitch.

Maybe I Need Something to Look Foreward To

2005-01-11T16:10:00.000-08:00

.

So, today was the first day I've been to class in 4 days. I failed to go last friday and yesterday, which was monday. I guess I'm just having a hard time with the winter break-into-winter term transition, and I'm sure that being back in Eugene is mostly to blame...seeing as class can fall pretty low on the list of things I dread these days. Going to class, I find sometimes, can be much more uplifting than staying at my place all day; the other people tend to have a more positive disposition, which happens to not quite be the case back at the appartment. Things around here can get so volatile at times, the tension makes it hard to sleep. Being drug into the ruts that other people are digging for themselves, then having them treat you like you owe them something...well, thats a rough situation to be in if you are as apathetic and lothargic as I tend to be. I hate it but I can't find any reason to do anything about it. Being smug just isn't cutting it anymore, and I've started to complain a lot about it--which I hate to do and I'm sure others hate to have to listen to.
Yesterday I was to the point where I was just sitting in the living room staring at the blue screen of the TV because I just couldn't find a reason to find a station or go do something else. It was pretty low. I feel like such a waste when I'm like that, yet usually when I'm in that state, reasons become obligations and forced actions and therefore are nothing I am about to listen to or take part in.
It's times like these in the middle of winter that make me question why I go to school, why I still talk to people and write things down when I have nothing to say to anyone about anything. Every few days I will get into something like playing the bass or the acoustic, maybe cleaning or re-arranging the furniture in my room...but when it really comes down to it, I'm not doing anything anymore and nothing ever happens.
I have grown so tired of other peoples lives that I find I have no motivation to fill up my own.
I'm going to give it about a month and a half, a fairly honest amount of time to allow something to change, and if it's still this way I'm gonna have to do something crazy. Or at least big. Like, transfer schools/move to europe/ride my bike to the east coast/punch my roomate in the face/live in the forest for a few months/join a commune/burn all my clothes/become a solipsist alcoholic/etc.
Yeah it's getting bad, or at least I can't take it much longer.
I know, I know...this is the kind of ranting that prompts those 'call the wambulance' comments but I really have nothing else to say about anything at the moment because I just don't care. It's hard right now because I'm too young to give up but too old to assume that there's definately going to be some happy ending. Hence, a stalemate.
I will try to keep posting, maybe it will help me, at least, be able to manifest up some passion or worthwhile idea to walk me through the season.
If you made it this far without navigating to another page...thanks for reading and take care.

My Space

2005-01-09T16:36:00.000-08:00

Now that I am back to this fine town and have had some time to settle (aka shake the whole 'stay sober for the sake of the family' routine), I have noticed a few things. Like how my room is now the popular hang out for the locals and visiting guests. Well, not counting the tent (?!?) in the living room of course.

Pro: people leave their stuff* in here. *(read: functional lighters/good CDs/silver change and the occasional dead president/bass guitar complete with amp/illicit paraphernalia and related goods)

Con: people leave their shit* in here. *(read: crumbs in the bed/bad CDs/burning embers in the trash/mystery cups and wounded soldiers/unsupervised alterations involving my alarm clock’s volume setting/traces of unsound cognitive function and questionable maneuvering skills/the large and highly suspect paper bag in the corner)

Verdict: After some moments of substance-enhanced contemplation, I have decided---pause for dramatic effect-- that I will still allow my room to be open to the public...for a small, 'contextually-appropriate' price*.

*(ie. more silver change/fresh herbs/a cold one/kittens/a good joke that I haven't heard before/a valid europass/the answer to #5/something actually meaningful and important to say/etc.)

So, there. Now you know.

Back at the U

2005-01-03T17:31:00.000-08:00

nothing new
Okay I have to make this quick because my internet connection is horrid at the moment. Wireless is overrated.
I'm back at school and things have pretty much gone back to the way they were. My car won't start, I have no way to charge my cell phone (I don't have a land line) and there are no stars in the sky at night. I can't go shopping for food because I'm to lazy to write out my checking transactions (I rely completely on online banking) and I don't know how much money I have in my account. I might have a job.
Of course, as long as I have electricity I should be okay...I finally got a record player! And with some of my Xmas money and got the Bright Eyes vinyl box set I've been wanting. Of course, I have other vinyls that I will be listening to as well but, if you know me, you know I can't go more than a day without some Conor.
The holidays were nice and I'm pretty excited about the coming term. Over the break I got in all the relaxation my mind could ask for, plus I got a little appetite back.
Oh...and my New Years resolution(s):
#1: Keep my promises, stick to my word...with others and with myself.
#2: Stay honest.
#3: Travel.
#4: Record an album of songs using the comp and my worthless equipment.
#5: Get better at making food from scratch.

Honesty is always the best policy, a promise made and not kept is a lie. I did not decide on this because I am a liar or a cheat...no, I guess I am a flake. Yeah, I suppose that's it. I am lethargic and absentminded and it doesn't really get me anywhere with anyone. I just need to start returning phone calls. That sort of thing. I figure if I can get a handle on that I can start getting stuff done for myself. No more procrastination, it's a cheap cop-out and I feel cheap giving into it so often.
Okay well I am going to end this one a little short because I fear I will get kicked off soon and lose my entry. Happy New Year everyone.

Oh....one more thing....seriously...if you have done nothing to help the situation in SE Asia get on it. Do it, do something. NOW.
Tsunami Help
WALHI
Greengrants
More...

A Wake for a Lost Generation

2004-12-28T19:39:00.000-08:00

Phuket

On December 26th, a severe earthquake (9.o) hit a region near Aceh in Indonesia, moving the ocean floor approximately 80 feet. The violent shift 6 miles benieth the surface sent walls of water surging across the Indian ocean at speeds of up to 500mph, hitting the coasts of Sri Lanka, India, Thailand, Indonesia, Myanmar, the Maldives, Malasia, Somalia, Bengledesh, and Kenya. Sunbathers were swept from beaches, joggers from the streets, congregates were drown in their churches and fisherman never returned from the sea. The death toll suspected to be between 25, 000 and approximately 50, 000 or more, with many injured and thousands left missing. It is presumed that almost one half of those that have passed or are still missing are children between the ages of 5-12 years.
The devastation has left many homeless and alone, and those who haven't already drown are now entering the struggle to stay alive in its wake. Streets, beaches and hospitals lined with dead bodies promise disease while landmines have been strewn across the unmarked land. As people search for their loved ones and friends, they are threatened with shortages of clean water, food, shelter and medical resources.
This is a REAL international disaster with REAL consequences and something must be done NOW. Each passing day is critical.
If that is not enough to motivate you to take action, check out this video. It is live footage of a wave hitting a resort on the coast of Phuket, Thailand:
http://sa.nextwish.org/Video/tsunamiphuket.wmv
Here is also a gallery of photographs taken in the same area during the event. It includes images such as the one headlining this post:
http://www.pbase.com/issels/phuket_tsunami&page=all
This is a link to a blog site that has dedicated itself to providing updates and aid information concerning this disaster. You should visit it and bookmark it RIGHT NOW:
http://www.tsunamihelp.blogspot.com/
The following is also a list of links to organizations that are accepting contributions for assistance that they or their affiliates will provide to those affected by the natural tradgey in Southest Asia:
Mercy Corps Portland, Or
World Concern Seattle, Wa
World Vision Tacoma, Wa
NW Medical Teams Portland, Or
World Relief Baltimore, Md
Relief International Los Angeles, Ca
Asia Earthquake/Tidal Wave Relief Fund Westport, Ct
UNICEF New York, Ny
Doctors Without Borders New York, Ny
AFSC Crisis Fund Philidelphia, Pa
International Federation of Red Cross/Red Crescent
NetAid Asian Earthquake Crisis Fund
Jewish Community of Thailand Relief Effort

Also, if you happen to be looking for somebody you may fear has been affected in any of these areas, this site may be of service to you:
http://www.p-h-u-k-e-t.com/forum/

Please do something. Please help.

The Trials and Tribulations of Being a Consumer Whore

2004-12-23T04:02:00.000-08:00

and how...
READ: How to Find Parking Space at the Mall

I recently came across a link to this article on my friends site, Fasterslower.
As I read through those thin, trivial little words, I snickered to myself as I felt a knot beginning to develop in my stomach. Sure, everyday thousands are suffering from war, famine, death, AIDS, homelessness, recession and depression...but what will I do if I end up at the mall and actually have to SEARCH FOR A PARKING SPACE? Am I in any DANGER?!? Sweet JESUS how have I been living my life WITHOUT THIS INFORMATION?!?!?!?
Yeah, global warming may cause there to be less snowfall east of the Cascades resulting in a drought in California that we all know Oregon with have to pay for...our grandchildren may only be able to see real sea life in little plastic tanks in bank-breaking theme parks due to the rising carbon dioxide levels and fluctuating pH of our polluted oceans...a fatal flu epidemic has been found spreading through Asia as our national supply of vaccines reamains inadequate and diminishing...and with the rise of consumerism and sheep-like behavior there consequentially may be less parking spaces in the mall parking lot and Americans may have to like, totally walk really far to get to the entrance and it like, could totally start to rain and their hair would get way frizzy and like, it totally wouldn't be cool.
Hey NBC, thanks for all the info...but instead of filling our heads with all this bullshit about avoiding 'fender-benders' and decreasing our chances of 'confrontation' while we're parking our fucking Expeditions at the Mall of America, how about you do a little story on how none of this would even be an issue if we kept our little heads and our little wallets closer to home. Tell us how we could maybe even avoid starting up our fucking Jetta in the first place.
Describe for us how the fresh air would make us feel as we were walking through our neighborhood to the local market or riding our bike to a closeby boutique. Feature for us a picture portraying the glow of the smiles we would recieve as we wave to our neighbors while passing by their windows. Draw us up a chart of how good the excersize would be for our cholesterol levels, and how free it would be, instead of herding us into 24-Hour Fitness by stuffing our faces with Big Macs while telling us we should weigh 110 pounds. Let us in on how, by helping ourselves to the products of community-based and locally owned establishments, we would no longer be participating in the engouragement of titanic corporate organizations' quest for globalization and disinterest in human rights and human opinion, no...we would be helping our friends, neighbors and peers put food on the table and maybe a few kids trough college.
Oh, wait, thats right...honesty is NEVER the best policy when making a profit or upping ratings is evolved. Besides, if Americans were actually told the truth, our little empty hearts would probably seize in our fat little guts.
Donnie, I don't know where you find this crazy stuff...but keep it coming. Mainstream America will never fail to amaze, suprise and disgust me. I'll be damned if I 'lay and wait'. No, not I, not that... all I can do is my own little part and try not to let it kill me.
Anyways, goodnight everyone and don't let the man get you down.

Current State

2004-12-20T18:11:00.000-08:00

...

Last night while laying sleepless in my bed I realized I hadn't updated in a relatively long while. I felt a little bad about it. So, here I am.
The break has gone suprisingly well for doing close to nothing. I have spent time with the family and a few close friends, each venture out has been worthwhile. Over this past weekend I attended a few parties with my good friend Jessica. I enjoy spending time with her because, let alone being easy going and by far one of the funnier people I know, she provides me with the opportunity to meet new people at every turn. She never really stuck with the old high school crowd and seems to always befriend the most dynamic people. She owns.
These past few days getting drunk with her and all of these new people have, if you can imagine, been a somewhat detoxifying experience. I have recently not had many opportunities, in Eugene that is, to meet new people and I think I am beginning to understand why this past month or so has been spent in such a cold sweat. Meeting someone new, even if only for a few moments and then they are gone forever, forces upon you that certain element of progressive development that so many people tend to lose through everyday, normal routine. Any new experience, bad or good, will take you further whether it serves as an awakening or a reaffirmation of anything you already feel. My dilemma, I feel, partially spawns from the reality that spending time with all the same people eventually leaves me without any new or positive revelations at the end of the day. Stability only has taken me so far in platonic relationships; despite the reciprocal appriceation felt for each other's company and loyalty, I can't seem to stay satisfied when a friendship falls into routine. Especially at this point in our lives, it gets very difficult...being young and still so susceptable to influence, we can change overnight and unfortunately most of our friends don't follow. In my situation, I and many of my close friends can't seem to let go of the past (I wish so vainly that I could while many of them don't want to), and as I have written about previously, it just creates a cycle. This cycle eats away at my conscience on so many levels.
These recent encounters with new and different kinds of folks have been more like a way to meet myself through another's eyes. I talk to them, ask them about themselves, they ask me questions, we talk, we read eachother. For the most part it is gratifying and has been an outlet of sorts for me, allowing me to to learn new things about myself as I talk about these new things with others. There is a great difference between internal narrative and dialogue and actually expressing and challenging those thoughts when presenting them through dialogue in an external encounter. It's invigorating. Yet, through this series of events that have provided me with these thoughts, I still have that underlying guilt that I am leaving good, honest friends in the dust. I have been left in the dust many times and would render who I am as completely unjustified if I were to do the same to another. I know eventually everyone will move on and this will no longer prove itself as a significant problem, but until then I will inevitably be stuck. Old friends stay true but cling to me as they do to the past they hold so dear, I appriceate them but I can't bring myself to enjoy the same activities anymore.
Working yourself out of a rut requires will and discipline, which in turn builds character. I have, in the past few months, internalized these feelings about my current state and consequently grown a lot as a person. Recently meeting these new people has given me a chance to be that new person without reserve and has proved to be a confirmation of that growth. Knowing that the person you are talking to is doing so without any preconceptions of who you are or might be is liberating. The fact that I miss it so much has also been part of who I have come to be...I guess I am even more prone to lack the courage to assert myself than I was in the past, a symptom easily cured with a little brew and spirits.
So, for the rest of the break I am going to spend those minutes usually wasted on idle or unrelated thought to discovering ways to stir up the courage to stay who I have become for a while and also figure out how to convince these new people I am worth meeting.
I do have a lot to offer, in my own way I suppose. That is what I must keep reminding myself of.
I am going to another get together tonight with Jessica, maybe it will be as rewarding as the past few have been, maybe not. I'll update soon and let you all know. Also, in those late night, tireless hours spent here at home in my basement I have watched a few more good movies...so keep an eye on my little side project. Stay warm and, above all, take care of yourself.

Break the Cycle

2004-12-13T09:46:00.000-08:00

...

I am now back in Portland for the Holiday break. It's nice to be back. Of course, when I'm here I have people to answer to every second of the day, namely my parents, but it's nothing I haven't had to deal with before. I think the reason I like returning here, despite the restrictions on my freedom, is that I have a place or a purpose in this city. My family is here, my childhood memories and my growth as a person over the years happened here. I also have my old car back finally, which is a very beautiful thing.
Unlike in Eugene, which I have found to be the most insecure and unstable residence I have ever held, when I am in Portland I feel as if I have something to do, someone to see...it's nice to have someone waiting for you. It's good to see my parents, my brother, old friends; It's good to know that the place you are returning to is a welcoming place, not full of people who can't trust or rely on eachother.
Portland can also be a very depressing place; coming here makes me realize how miserable Eugene can be, it reminds me of how great and full of life things once were. But I guess I'd rather be depressed here than anywhere else I can think of at the moment.
Anyways, I will say it again, it's nice to be back. I am looking foreward to the rest of the break, I am wondering whether this will be one that leaves me with memories or if I will come out empty handed...I think I may be hoping for the latter of the two, lately the memories I've been storing up just don't cut it anymore. Or maybe I'll get lucky and somehow break the cycle. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

It's wet and it's been falling

2004-12-10T02:36:00.000-08:00

...

So I haven't posted in a few days...with all the celebrating involved in the temporary break between terms free of worry and schoolwork, I guess I didn't have time to update. Oh well.
Anyways, the rain has finally started in Eugene. Now people here say the rain is depressing and wastes the day, but I have welcomed it open-armed. Due to the heavy blanket of clouds that accompanies this sort of weather, the otherwise excessively long and miserably freezing nights have become tolerable. Now it's warmer and the pavement glisens, a refreshing twist to the nauseating sameness of this place. The air has replaced it's icey chill with a damp freshness that breathes life into the minutes spent walking to class or sitting out reading on the back porch. This presents a promising mood that I hope can be sustained throughout the break.
I guess I'm just thankful that it's over for a few weeks, thats all it really comes down too. And I have a ticket to the Iron and Wine show tomorrow, which is nice. Okay, I'm exhausted...so until next time, try to appriceate the rain for what its worth and take it easy. G'night.

Now there's another one...

2004-12-07T01:10:00.000-08:00

I just recently added a new blog to my account...yeah, another one. It is going to be for most everything besides discussing life, experience and subsequent repercussions. For instance, recent movies I've seen and reccomend, music commentary, books, quotes I like....that sort of thing. Oh, and it will have links as well. It's just a fledgling of a blog as of yet, but if you like you can check it out here. Enjoy.

Adagio Sostenuto

2004-12-06T17:08:00.000-08:00

...

Only one final left. The final final, if you will. Then a break that has been on it's way for too long. Well I got myself some Beethoven and Son, Ambulance to hold me over. I almost bought a Flaming Lips and Spoon album too...until I realized if I went that far my splurge could be breeching a manic spending spree, seeing as I haven't spent more than about $12 in the past 2 weeks. Oh well.
I also finally got some charge in my phone and had about a 3 minute conversation with my mom, which was nice. It turns out my brother got suspended until thursday for serving up some underclassman. I guess the kid was giving him shit about trying to be black, or something along those lines...hahah...so, what does my brother do? Show the kid that white kid crazy hurts just as much as it would have if he actually were black. It's all very silly and amusing, kid stuff you know.
Anyways, everything is alright for now...I think I'm going to learn to play a little Moonlight Sonata on the acoustic, maybe watch Apocalypse Now or Trainspotting again, read and then get some more sleep. Yeah...I can smell your envy from here, if you're anything like me that is. When you feel good even the simplest things are worth doing...getting too extravagant seems to just spoil the moment. So, unless something I read inspires me between now and sleep...I'll post again tomorrow. Have a lovely evening and take care of yourself.

Oh, and if anyone can help me put a links section on my sidebar, that would be cool. It turns out those HTML 'how to' tutorial sites aren't a whole lot of help for people who don't know what they're looking for. If you know anything about anything, I would appriceate the input. Sweet.

All I needed was 42 hours without sleep to finally wake me up

2004-12-06T02:34:00.000-08:00

...

So I think I've finally decided exactly whats going on here. The reason I have been so habitually hole-ing my self up lately, the reason I feel I have no time to do what I want to do when I seem to have all the time in the world. Why I sit around when I could do anything else. Why I write directionless posts on a blog, knowing about one in every five is read (if that).
The reason was something I knew the whole time, but never was as clear to me as now. Nothing ever happens here. 'Here' refers to this town, these social circles, this apartment complex, this whole mindset. I live in a place called Ducks Village, the place where most kids end up after leaving the dorms. Nothing here is real, nothing here actually happens. Anything that seems real is just an illusion or a pipe dream. This is because everyone here is the same, giving us nothing to check our sense of reality unless we're really looking...we have no comparisons so it is just accepted that this is the way things really are. There are no families with children, no old hippies living next door to share experiences, no high schoolers nor graduates launching their careers. Just a bunch of kids still going to school because it's just what you do. You come here, you drink beer and/or smoke weed, you choose a major and whatever you can't buy for yourself you put on your parents tab. Not real.
Most of these kids are streatching their adolescence out as thin as they can, not yet earning the title of 'young adult'. They are setting up a future that they have no real concept of, their lifelines are way too close to home to keep their feet on the ground. Most of their concerns fall under an umbrella of proximate cycles and daily social interaction. Tests and parties, presentations and vacations, who's with who and what everyone thinks about whats going on right now, all caught up in the context that stretches maybe a week at most. Like its some sort of year-round summer camp, or for the ones who have it really bad, an abercrombie and fitch style never-never land where doing your homework falls relatively close to doing your laundry.
This is what I've finally put my finger on, why I can't find a real reason to go out and live. The fact that there aren't any real reasons here has been what I have finally figured out, like when nothing seems right, and then you realize your actually dreaming. Some dream.
I always knew this about this place, but I guess I thought just knowing it would save me from falling victim to it. Well, I was only half right. I need to do something, and fast...find something that I can really feel. I don't want to be part of this adolescent, prime time soap opera anymore...acting out roles was never my gig. Especially since the only future for the actors around here are sitcoms on the Fox network or maybe, with a little luck, a secondary charater in one of those 'feel-good-comedy-of-the-year' movies. bleh.
I am also struggling in the friends category. This, actually, might be the most difficult part of the dilemma. I really appriceate my friends and I'm lucky to have such good ones. I just have so little in common with them lately, their pursuits and tastes and passions and problems are no longer something I find we share. There are a few of my friends that I can still be close to without this getting in the way...but the problem is that the group, in its entirety, is our high school class. It exists as a present example of the past. Nobody has really been able to let go, not that they are supposed to, but I think it's holding people back from moving onto the next step. When I hang out with them, I have to be the person I was in high school...and that person is no longer me. I can't fill that role anymore (and sleep at night). It doesn't ever end up offering that much along the lines of a reward either, except for the occaisional beach cabin party or camping trip. I like those people, their just not my peers anymore.
One thing that makes me sick, though, has to do with recent events. About two thirds through the term, my closest friend and predominent member of this group disrespected me on more levels I care to spend time on, his actions struck me as the type that would cost him a lot of the respect he had from the people that knew him and that knew me. Yet, a little over a month later and the only thing different is that he and I are no longer friends. It's like a slap in the face to me and I resent every one of them for it in my own modest and smug little way. It just proves it's not about respect, its about safety. Yeah, Eric did some fucked up shit but he's still cool if he treats me like I'm cool. It's really wierd.
I just think I'm finally equipped with enough good reasons to be ready to move on, end that chapter. I'm ashamed to say that it took one of them spitting on my face and giving me a black eye to see that none of it is real.There aren't any real actions so there are no real consequences, all beginnings and no ends with no lessons learned. I'm tired of the games and all the generic situations and the proneness to cling to ideas when they are ultimately twilighting.I was so caught up in trying to spot the snakes in the grass, because I was conviced they were the problem. Well, I finally got bit, and came to realize that I was more allergic to the grass than the venom all along. I don't want to abandon those ones who actually kept it real, or to de-value the people I am talking about. That group of kids, when it comes down to it, are good people and they don't have to move on if they have no real reason yet to.
But me, I'm getting out. And this place no longer means anything to me. All that is happening around me is now static. I need something completely new and soon. People who at least like the same music I like, or at least like what they like for good reasons. Openminded people who like to be interesting, instead of being the same. People who are representations of the adults they are becoming as opposed to those who live as tributes to thier former experiences. I'm looking for progression now, not nostalgia.
There are a few I will refuse to let go of, I'm not going to name them (as to protect feelings of those left out and all that loveliness) but they will come to know who they are if they don't already.

A series of phrases, loosely tied together with the sinews of Insomnia

2004-12-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

How thoughts begin to look when your brain is running on empty. 42 hours.

So tonight was one of those nights of idle mindlessness. You know, where you just do things, not because you want to do them...but, maybe because theres no apparent--let alone urgent-- reason not to. I had finished my final project for psych, and cosequently felt about 8 years younger. The satisfaction I get after completing an assignment, I feel, is a very odd and at times transcendental thing. I don't usually find myself caught up in the demands of my education, in the small little things we are lead to believe to be imperative when, in a week, aren't even worth remembering. After basking in my mood for about 2 whole minutes (Literally. 2 whole minutes. Like, ONE-mississippi... TWO-mississippi...and so fourth. The "breed" of two minutes when you're waiting for your food to be done, as opposed to the two that are nipping at your heels as you scurry around your room in the morning, half drunk off sleep, after you slept through your alarm) the realist in me kicked in and decided to ask, "Why wallow mindlessly in euphoria when it could be used as the backdrop for reflection?"
Capitalize on the opportunity at hand! I am a seasoned veteran regarding moments like these, mainly due to the fact that my life is a haze of chronic procrastination; I more often find myself suprised, and very pleasantly so, when even the most trivial of assignments are completed. I consistently am in awe of myself. Heh.
I have come to know that the moments after such a completion aren't the usual voids, the little vaccumes whose job is to suck the infinitness from the world left by the one who came before. No, these moments are just the opposite...we become the void, being filled by each subsequnt moment with those truely pivotal feelings...where the disintigrating world around you, with all its greed, temper and brevity, becomes a utopia...they are the plotholes of our fabric reality, where the light seeps in and gives us a taste of...well...forever. Or, less figuratively stated, for those who might say forever is useless, these feelings are a reaction of sorts to those times when the subjective and the objective eclipse, and where the shadow cast obscures relativity.
In that moment, all that remains purely is this feeling; that reality, or our constant drive to relize the purpose in a world where we exist only in relation to everything that is not us, is an obstacle of relations that prevents us from falling into the idleness of bliss while distracting us from our unyeilding mortaliy. To us, as finite instances, it is a reality of finity and strictly limited to what is possible... Well...actually...the only relative certainty is that it's unexplainable in any relative sense, and there inlies the catch.
I have so, so often been to this place and I have become weary. I am afraid I am convinced I have forever in my pocket; it falls upon me like a beam of soft yellow sunlight, I sigh and close my eyes, gripped by a warmth like a womb...and by the time I open my eyes the moment is gone. I slide from weightless back to my senses. The listless transfer has been missed; a journey occurs completely benieth my awarness so smoothly that when I re-open my eyes it has passed by and evaporated, unquestioned. I have been re-born, and reamain completely unaware of what has happened, again without asking to come back into the world. It always leaves traces, though. It washes over everything leaving a residue of newness, the punctuation mark ending the brief experience and signaling me to move onto the next phrase.
This is my subjective, drawn out and mostly inadequate description of relief and the gratification of personal achievment. I can look back on just the past week, littered with activities bringing closure to this first term...I realize I was foolish in thinking its something beneficial to me anymore. Whatever it is...something as intangable as love or as sincere as a promise...presents it self as forever, and then silenty slips away. So it happens, many things that bring us happiness tend to occur no differently.
These moments are no longer necessary anyways...feeling good after completing something has become less rooted in accomplishment, internalized confidence is no longer why we float on air. It is becoming more often a temporary crutch in which our load is lightened. And once your efforts have graduated from the self-refining, perspective-attaining endeavors of education and become a repetior of stranger's projects and capital gain, it's a poison. It makes you feel good about being reduced to a small photo, paperclipped to a file in which you are simplified to a label they stamped on you and a list of qualities in which they judged you, whom you eventually won't even recognize.
I needed to make this new...a frosting on a cupcake I, myself made from scratch.
So my mind, fully loaded with an aresenal of doubt...began to stir. Why should I risk spoiling the moment? I need to apply myself a little more...find a way to shift my motivations toward something that will move me. Apathy may help me get by in a world where impositions exist around every corner; but in my psyche, it has become a unnecessary presence that often will thicken the fog in my already clouded mind...a sediment slowly curroding a sea of prospect, whose tides already no longer fluctuate. Losing depth was never in the plan.
Most of my apathy can probably be traced back to all those times it seemed the world would be coming to an end, just to be blinded on awakening by the sunrise the next day. More days came, convening into weeks which rallied into months...doing as they do.
Time, as it turns out, is the only empirical way to measure existance. It was a little presumptios of us, even for the earliest and most primitive, to know that they would come to an end whilst believing in forever. Nowadays, time is no longer an intrument of understanding and proximity, no...not anymore. It has followed suite, it was intended to be a tool to understand and progress and it now has become another oppressive, abstract posession. It is just another one of those things we invest, spend, waste and never have enough of.
I wish I could live my life as if it was period between birth and death. Use it merely to measure distances and prepare for the next stage in my growth of maturity. To keep track of how many years I've lasted so far. I was put on this earth without a choice, sans any intention of mine, and from that point on the only direction I have been moving has been towards death, as we all are. To feel and to breath could be too much to ask...but because I am here, I might as well condiser my options, stick it out and maybe I'll stuble upon a meaning...life should be a means to humor yourself in a world vaccinated free of ill will. We should all be communists. Okay, I went too far maybe.
That way of life may be successful someday, everyone raised to be honest and to happily give back as much as they are provided with. Ah, reciprocal altruism...an adaption maintained over the years because those who helped their peers and returned favors were the ones that survived and who's behaviors saturated generations upon generations. Until, you would never believe, we got the idea to congregate in excessively larger groups, living parasiticly of the land and eachother...eventually landing us here. We have sucessfully removed ourselves from most any truley natural environment, we are sceptical of any altruistic behavior and we give gifts only on certain days in which we celebrate our overabundance of resources. Yes, now we are given so much time to think about our worth and our status and the color of our hair.
The only element of nature we reside amonst are floral prints, plastic ivy and the images broadcast on select channels, between the images of all the stuff others like us want us to need. Concrete jungles under black skies, toxic waterways and paved plains shrowded during daylight with thick-brown hazy curtains...these are our breeding grounds now. Standing still for too long will find you knee deep, you'll have lost your shoes in the slough, whose stagnance could easily extinguish your soul if you can't find the strength to pull yourself out and keep moving on.
If I conjured an image of nature in which I was raised, it would be the only practical thing I had...my time spent walking in my neighborhood in the fall; paved blocks lined with trees. My head was filled with ideals then, supplied by those older people in the places I went where I did what they asked because I was told it would be worth my time. So I began investing my time because I was unaware of any other option I had. Trusting people was as absolute a skill at that age as training wheels are to riding a bike. So I was spending more time and investing my faith and all I got had ever recieved were judgments, over and over again...we all were rated, asessed and sorted. My imagination then began rating and sorting ideas, based on what I was told I would want. I would be planning out my future, thats where I was told I should invest my time, so, past houses and parks, I wandered and I sorted, my legs working as hard as my mind...going in circles and cycling thoughts as leaves went from green to gold.
Even as an impressionable young person, I eventually understood that the task of deciding and planning a life was a joke, one I had so genuinely fallen for. It was all just part of the process...you start out dumb and filthy rich and immediately begin investing, then you choose a place you want to spend all that time you had (while slowly coming to the realization that you have given up a gold mine for what looks like dirty pieces of paper). The place you choose, whatever it may be, then becomes the role you take on and act out for decades, its the time in your life where time is money...and all the times your not reading lines your job is to spend your money. You can't eat it, it won't keep you warm and it has no shoulder for you to cry on, so give it away and you'll end up with a lifetime of stuff to fill whatever it is you will slowly realize is missing.
The world I live in convinces people that wealth lies in the market, and that everything we are, 'make' and 'do', 'authenticity' and 'sacrifice'...yeah they're really just dollars and cents. 'Wealth of Knowledge' is now a catchphrase for the ways of thought and abundance of perspective we have stuffed into bottles and sold on late night TV; a $79.99 value yours for only $29.99! Call now and we'll throw in a weeks worth of bite sized truth absolutely FREE!!
Well...what are you waiting for? It's everything you ever wanted, complete with anything they would ever tell you to pick up the phone and charge that Visa.
Bite sized truth...
Time grows shorter and shorter I notice, walking through the neighborhood playing this out in my head. Haha, these guys...they layout such an elaborate prank! Yellow turns to orange turns to red then to brown as I slow my pace and wonder about things, like how is it possible I can give away my time? And who could honestly claim that it is owed to them and not allow a reason? I could be a more functional member if I kept the time that I have come upon that takes me from here to there, if I even knew how...all I have been able to do so far is save those moments, pocket change you might call it, that retell moments thick with a real purpose, nothing they could ever sell me because I made it myself. I also have those moments with me that are also saturated with hollow sentiments and harsh realizations, yet I know these were worth more than anything they would have been traded for. These are the leaves that cling to the trees long shriveled and dead, the moments spent before they passed. A tragedy of sorts.
I was born in a world where moments tend to fall like half-dead leaves from trees in storms of hours, most often to die before they hit the ground, while the ones rich in color will fall swirling gracefully on the breath of a reminescent breeze. The leaves rise and fall back into place as we clear them from paths and pile them into mounds of years. These sit and stay wherever they are as histories, decomposing under showers of clear wet drops. They glisten for a while, under the glow of a streetlamp, then slowly dissapear.
The young, as we see every passing season, can never help but leap into a fresh and lofty pile of leaves, allowing themselves to be consumed as another gust sends more colors into the air swirling all around them. The chill in the air brings color to their cheeks and the promise of snowdays. These times spent sledding, laughing and sitting warm by a fire are moments so fortified with vitality that they can stay with us, blanketing us with the settiling fidelity of where we once were.
Now, us...the thought may cross our mind but never seems to pass that point. Our time is much too precious to be spent on anything other than paving the road to the future. Yeah, lets forget about everything. Pleasure was never that simple. Let's just pave it all.

Can't take the HEAT

2004-11-30T19:14:00.000-08:00

This is chalk on cement. Flat cement. It's crazy.

So, monday night I made the hour and a half trip back to Portland after having returned from there less than 24 hours before. Silly, but true. The purpose this time was not for any gluttonous holiday, but for the Owen show. Actually, the headliner was mewithoutYou, but I had no prior knowledge of who they were and had not spent $12 of my sparse pocket change to see. The trip turned out to be well worth it though.
Owen is actually the solo project of Mike Kinsella (of Cap'n Jazz, Joan of Arc, The One Up Downstairs, American Football, Owls, Maritime and Aloha---yeah he's been around). It's mostly acoustic, with the occaisional bass, drum and keyboard tracks layered on, all done by him. His set was short but moving, I really appriceate artists that put so much of themselves into what they create...it can change those otherwise hollow moments spent listening and watching into an experience that painlessly remains in the memory and is worth reliving in the mind.
Mike is actually an extremely nice person. He was very easy to talk to and a sincere modesty rang in every word he said, a tell that he probably has a lot to say but keeps each line substantial and honest. I find this a very valuable quality in people, I wish it was more abundant. He also is a pretty funny guy.
Also in the line-up were Despitado, The Snake The Cross The Crown and, as I had mentioned before, mewithoutYou. Despitado offered only a run-of-the-mill sound. The players were talented, but they lacked...well...soul, I guess.
I had seen The Snake The Cross The Crown previously at Warped Tour, but I really hadn't formulated any kind of opinion of them. After watching them live at this show for the second time, I decided they are a good group impending rampant popularity. I really wish I could describe their sound, but I think I wouldn't really do any justice for them. I'm not saying that because they are too extravagantly great for words, I just don't know what to say. If you want you can check them out on their website.
mewithoutYou was a pretty interesting experience as well. Talk about emotion. These guys weren't messing around when they made their music. The lead singer looked like he was going to pop throughout almost the whole set. This is not to give the impression that they are some post-hardcore-screamo band, there was very little screaming, mearly an intense stage presence and deeply communicative facial expression. So much so that one could assume that they were playing as much for themselves as for the audience. I recommend checking them out, which can be done here.
Also, possibly worth mentioning, I saw some old aquiantences at the show. Of course, Bryce Hooper was there...I see him at virtually every show I go to. One thing that suprised me was that he appeared to have himself a woman. This was worth noting due to the fact that he definately puts out the "I'm too depressed/hardcore/indie to get/have women" impression. Plus, he works at Hot Topic...I really can't imagine that the mall provides much of a playing field for him. Oh well, what do I know.
I also saw Michele Blumelle (I don't think I spelled that right), whom I haven't seen in over a year and a half. We were on the high school dragon-boat/six-sixteen team and we developed a fairweather friendship due to similar taste in music. She was looking pretty good, which was somehow refreshing to me, and it was nice to see her.
Last but not least, while I was waiting in line prior to the show...out in the rain and the cold and the wind...I struck up a conversation with a pretty interesting guy from Forest Grove. Nothing about him told anything about what I would have thought about him or what we actually talked about. He appeared to be your average straightedge scene'ster (sans the died-black hair), but as it turns out, he's an aspiring hair-dresser who works at a Sharis which recently got shot up during a gang rivalry/dispute between two tables. I guess a guy was shot in the face and thus is no longer with us today. So it goes.
He said it's a strikingly odd and unnerving experience to watch blood, instead of water, progressing down a driveway strip towards the drains. I can only imagine.
He was a very cool person though and I hope to see him again someday. Of course, I can't remember his name. I suck.

Moving onto todays less exciting, but more progressive, events; Kevin, Resa and I finally gt the chance to break the ice about the building tension in the apartment. I had turned off the heat due to the fact it was warm enough in the apartment to be comfortable, or at least nothing a blanket or sweatshirt couldn't solve. Moments later, the heat came back on. I walked back out of my room, clicked off the heat with as much conviction as I could muster and said, as pleasently as possible, "Why is the heat on?!? It's hot e-goddamned-nuff in here."
As I expected, Resa came out of her room and threw me the compromise line again. I don't want to belittle what she has to say, I don't want to give you that impression, so I will try my best to be fair and say that she really does have a point. But, honestly, the point is only backed with hypocracy.
I feel this way mainly because I, and commonly Kevin, put out a great deal of effort cleaning the apartment. Especially the kitchen, whose messes tend to be epic and are consistently comprised of Resa's dishes, spills and half-eaten meals. This has been brought to her attention on a few occaisions without any apparent impact. Where is the compromise there?
Also, the distribution of resources used, namely electricity, centers in Resa's room where she has two snake cages complete with high-powered heating lamps etc, a mouse cage which is often lit with a desk lamp and, to top it off, a mini fridge (which most know, is not the cheapest of appliances to run. Of course she has a computer and a television but it woudn't be fair to count those. With all the heat lamps in there her room should be warm enough without the furnace I would think.
It's a very frustrating situation.
Another issue that I feel carries a lot of weight is the fact that Resa hasn't had a very congenial attitude towards me and Kevin lately and is often and unneseccarily condescending. I am not sure why this is, it could be because of us or it could be because of more personal things going on in her life, but it really causes more grief than should be accepted. If this weren't the case, this whole 'compromise'/heat issue would be smooth and easily solved...but have the feeling this is really going to be a lot harder than it has to be.
I guess Kevin proposed to Resa that we all get together and talk it out tomorrow night. I suppose this is because what could have been the discussion earlier was cut short due to Resa shutting her door in my face after I mentioned the unfairness of having to pay for all the electricity she is using up with the snakes etc. in her room. Oh, well. Tomorrow it is.

So thats all I really had to talk about today, or more appropriatly vent about, and I think I'm done. I also have a fairly large, comprehensive final for Psychology tomorrow and I probably should be studying....so until next time, have a great evening/morning/afternoon (or whenever you may be reading this) and I'm sure I'll post again soon.

Thanksgiving and Subsequent Musings

2004-11-28T23:41:00.000-08:00

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Well, I'm back from the long weekend they call Thanksgiving Break. I feasted and drank til dawn every day of it. It was nice seeing some of the extended family, as odd as that may be. Being in Eugene, I don't often have the opportunity to visit with them at all...there's just no time. So it goes.
I would say the highlight of the weekend was hanging with my good friend from high school, Jessica. We went to this keggar that was thrown by some of her co-workers, drank beer and malt liquor and got to check out a post-hardcore band that was playing in the basement. All good things. To top it off, we ended the night with some good food to satisfy our stomachs which were otherwise full of alcohol and I had the pleasure of sleeping on a comfortable couch wrapped in an electric blanket. 'Twas glorious.
I will also speak of the low point of the weekend, to be fair. Actually, theres a draw between two things I could have done without: being sober at my friend Dane's party ( a very frustrating evening) and seeing my Aunt who had recently suffered from a breakdown. On second thought, reading the words on the screen as opposed to running them off in my head has made me decide seeing my Aunt was far worse than the other. She couldn't even fake a smile, she was a wreck. I like her a lot, too...which made it very hard for me to see her in her present condition. What made it worse was that people talked to her as if she were a child, whereas a year ago she was just there like everyone else. We really take our happiness for granted.
It's an odd thing, actually. I find that when I'm happy, I'm merely confused...you know, overwhelmed. When I'm depressed the thought of happiness is apalling, it really makes me sick. Yet, lately I haven't really found myself in either of those extremes, I'm always suspended somewhere in the middle. I smile because I know there's nothing for me. I'm to the point where I take pleasure in feeling lost and incomplete, and settling is now a foreign concept. I'm a drifter, I guess.
I just wish I could have been the one who fell victim to that malady, in place of my Aunt. The way I see things, I have a lot less to lose. But things are the way they are and wishing will just leave me empty and wandering.
I have been sitting here at my computer for hours wishing that the night would just be over, my work would be done and I could be asleep nestled in my bed. Where does the distraction lie? Why can't it go by faster? Time will tell, I suppose; it will sneak up on me and disarm me in the bat of an eye, like it did her. Until then I guess I'll just try to keep moving, keep my eyes open...looking for the affirmation that everything is secretly ironic and counting my blessings.
I hope you all had a good holiday and are keeping warm.

Two Bad Weeks, Not One Tear...And A Payoff

2004-11-23T20:46:00.000-08:00

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Right now I am listening to Tilly and the Wall's debut album "Wild Like Children". I just purchased it recently and I really like it a lot. Their label is Team Love, started by Bright Eye's Conor Oberst and his friend named Nate. Some of the members of the group were in the band Park Ave. with Conor back when they were still in HS, and one of them occaisionally plays for Bright Eyes. This whole album was recorded in a basement, and the really cool part is that a lot of the percussion on the tracks isn't actually drums, it's tap-dancing. Very original. If you like Saddle Creek, you should check them out for sure.I can't seem to find where to add the links for these...it seems blogger is going through some renovations, maybe? I'll add them when I can.
So, anyways, my life has been very crazy lately. I haven't been able to focus one one particular thing, because if I did I would lose track of everything else and it would all fall apart. First off, my dad having a near stroke was pretty de-railing. Then there, of course, have been many things school-related that I have had to worry about with the term coming to a close. Not this past weekend, but the one before that my best, or more accurately put, "closest" friend got drunk, spit on my face more times than I care to recount and then hit me twice. I even had a little shiner for a few days.
That was fantastic.
Then, theres life around the apartment...one of my roomates lately has held a steady diregard for the cleanliness of the place. Every evening when I get home from school I have a huge mess to clean up. And I'm talking sick food messes. Bio-hazard country.
And to top it all off, the little kitten Johnson whom I have grown to love so dearly is being taken back to Pendleton and out of my life forever. This may not seem like such a big deal, but I really loved that kitten and it loved me back, it was a really good feeling.
So my life has been a sad story lately. Well, not really.
It could be worse, I could have broken my leg or crashed my car or lost a good friend to malaria. I'm not going to wallow, but it will take effort...I'm really good at letting this stuff get to me. I need to be strong. Yeah, as corny as it sounds.
At least I have my health. Ugh.
This most recent weekend was fun, though. I went back to Portland to visit the homestead and take my Dad to Sushiland for his birthday. I got to hang out with some old high-school friends (Dane and Derek) and get totally pissy-drunk. A cute boy kissed me at a party Dane and I had crashed while looking for something interesting to do.
It's actually a sweet story, so I'll tell it.
Listen:
As I had said, Dane and I were walking around the Hawthorne district in Portland a little tipsy and pretty damned bored. We heard some talking and laughing coming from the balcony of an old duplex, so we though we ought to check it out. What did we have to lose, really? So we go up to the door, which was unlocked, and let ourselves in. There were a decent amount of people there, but the place was big so it wasn't crowded. We introduced ourselves to a few people to get a feel for the crowd, and they all proved to be amiable and laid back. One of them made the mistake of telling us where to get the booze, so we went to the back porch to find two small kegs and a rack of beer. We helped ourselves and then went out to mingle. The average age of the crowd seemed to be about 20-25, and everyone had something interesting to say. We told jokes, talked about music, discussed the columbine shootings (spawned from someone bringing up the movie Elephant) and shared stories. Then this relatively tall guy came into the picture and provided us with a few new jokes and invited us to try some of this concoction he and a freind had brought for the party. They worked at a local micro-brewery and I guess it was one of their specialties. It was a mix consisting of Pink Lemonade, a fifth of Vodka and, believe it or not, Beer. Yeah, I know it sounds funky but it was delicious. After a few cups of that I was good to go.
So this tall guy and I ended up talking about this and that and, frankly, I thought he was pretty cool. He had a really big smile. One of the topics we brushed on was the sheer excellence of the Goodwill Outlet stores we have in the city. I had gotten the shirt I was wearing that night there, a little blue number that said "I need a kiss" and had a pile of Hershey's Kisses on the front. He said he dug it and I was flattered.
Eventually we parted ways and started conversing with new people about new things. One of the guys that lived at the place turned out to be an artist. He showed me some of his recent works and I was in awe. I wish I could create such original things. All in good time, I guess.
So, after talking to the artist for a while I realized that I hadn't seen Dane for probably an hour or more, and that I should probably try to at least touch bases with him. I was walking down the hall, when out of nowhere popped the tall boy with the big smile. He walked right up to me, grabbed my face, and gave me a huge smooch right on the lips. This, though, was no ordinary smooch...our lips locked and it tasted like chocolate. Before I knew it I had a Hershey's Kiss melting in my mouth! I have to admit, it was weird at first...not excpecting the kiss, let alone the chocolate...but it was the sweetest thing ever. I was so flattered and he looked so pleased with himself, it was a precious moment. We ended up sitting on the couch talking about God knows what and holding hands. We kissed a little more, then just sat there watching and listening. I probably sat there in silence for about 10 minutes when Dane found me and suggested taking off. He looked really tired and it was getting late so I agreed. I said goodbye to my smooching buddy and walked off with Dane into the night. I'm really sad that I can't remember his name now, but I suppose I shouldn't fret, assuming I will probably never see him again. Oh, well.
It was an interesting night to say the least, refreshing in a way. An event that occured out of the routine that has become my life recently.
Now, with the Thanksgiving Holiday drawing near...I am hoping to find more new and exciting things to keep my mind occupied. With the loss of my closest friend, due to his lack of self control (among other things), I have been attempting to get my lazy ass in gear and find myself a new scene. So far, my efforts have been semi-successful and I know I can't expect anything except what I get.
Speaking of effort, I have a Psych assignment due tomorrow that I haven't yet started. Ciao, and I hope the winter is treating you all well!

When rain dries, clouds form

2004-11-19T08:47:00.000-08:00

...what's your connection to you?

I just recently watched this film. Needless to say I was intrigued...If you've seen it you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, che-che-check-it-ou t...

The Answer to the Problem: Dissolution.

2004-11-19T03:29:00.000-08:00

Honest questions are an eclipse
Asked with eyes, and not the lips
And the answer always is:
"Stranger, I do not know."

Honest people rarely share
An honest answer is not there
They re-spond, true and fair:
"Stranger, I do not know."

Endless is this silly endeavour
An answer saught, simply forever
To get the food, pull the lever
And why? I do not know.

Hearts are broken, lives are shattered
Yet we press on, bruised and battered
And then we ask when it mattered
Always "Stranger, I do not know."

We all are strangers, we have our friends
And all this to our egos, tends
But who really cares? To what ends?
"Stranger, no-one knows."

How many pints do I need to drink?
My soul is a ship I need to sink!
Four? Five? or six you think?
It's an answer I need to know!

I know the place to find the truth
No it's not in a screen or telephone booth
And there is no God or Fountain of Youth
Friend, this I know.

Listen to your heartbeat, it is screaming
Your life, Life and Purpose are demeaning
Only in the question, lies the meaning.
This, friend, I know.

So, quit trying to learn your lessons
And quit with these absurd confessions
Ask yourself, not I, these questions
Because stranger, I do not know.
Because stranger, only you can know.
Stop torturing us with this doubt you sow
Please pack your things and go.

yeah! eight beers deep and i still got it! and why is it i become a poet when i drink? maybe i'll find out in my sleep. goodnight!

Dodging the Bullet

2004-11-17T04:02:00.000-08:00

,

Chapter one

There I was, back at the old grade school playground running away from this mean looking guy. You know the look, “can you smell what the ROCK is cooking”. The good news was I could loose him in about five seconds. The bad news, no matter how far I ran or where I hid, if I waited long enough he would find me.

After another 30 second sprint away from mister Burly Man I came across what looked like a wheelhouse off an old tug or maybe the bridge of the Nautilus from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. I jump through the hatch and dog it closed.

Cool looking place, can’t believe I didn’t know it was there. I’ve been cruising this hood for 47 years and I missed this! Ha! Oh well.

Figuring I had at least a few minutes before the Wang showed up, I did a little exploring. There were all kinds of cool things to check out. Pressure gauges, valves, leaver’s, wheels, compasses, and about a hundred little lights. I was busy flipping switches up and down trying to get the lights to come on when I noticed the Jackass through the window. He was climbing the ladder that led to the hatch. He would be in the bridge within a few seconds so I turned to run.

The problem was I didn’t know which way to go! I started to look for a way out but stopped. I’d had enough of this crap. It was time to see what was pissing this guy off. I figured if I could talk with he, maybe I could get him to settle down.

Wham, the hatch was open and he jumped in. Before I could even think about opening my mouth he was right in my face with his right arm cocked. Next thing I knew the lights went out and I was seeing stars!

Now for the crazy part, when I came to I was in bed, not in the hospital but home. Just another bad dream but a few things didn’t quite fit. First of all, since when are you the one that can outrun the bad guy. Come on, usually when it comes time to run in a dream I can barely crawl!

Second, he must have got me in the left jaw because my teeth were killing me and that side of my face was numb.

Wow, I could use a drink of water, that should snap me out of it. I went to roll over to get up but I found that my left arm was just as dead as my face, not good. So there I lay, what the hell is going on! Was I still dreaming? Could be, so I thought, just get up, come on, get up. I sat up, rubbed my sore jaw with my numb left arm and got out of bed. About half way to the kitchen I realized I was also dizzy, like I just got cold cocked I the jaw! A glass of water later I felt better but not 100% better. Maybe 20% better at best.

So to make a long story short, a half hour later, a half dozen glasses of water and a half dozen checks of my blood pressure I was back in bed and sound asleep.

Chapter two

Morning rolls around and all is OK, not good but OK. My face and arm are still a little dead but OK. Off to work to start a new week. I still felt a bit off but I figured it was because I didn’t get a very good nights sleep. Around comes 10:20, break time and the crowd leaves the office for the lunch room for coffee. I got up to follow and the room starts to spin, what the hell is going on. What ever it is I can’t blow it off any longer so I call doctor Nutwacker to get his opinion.

You can guess what he says “get to the ER, NOW!

So off to Emanuel where his brother the Tinny Weenie Doctor practices.

He had called his brother and warned him we were on the way so when I got there they were waiting. Before I could even get the first page of the admittance paper work filled out they had the I V in and had my neck, chest, back and legs shaved and were ready to start the EKG. The test went well and they found nothing. Next came the CAT Scan all the while sucking five or six blood samples. Again the test showed nothing.

By this time I had an ER Doc, a Neurologist and a Pediatric Urologist! The ER staff couldn’t figure out what all the commotion was about. The Urologist orders up a complete MRI scan of me head and upper spine. That was one and a half hours in a tube with your head clamped tight and your forehead taped down. They then put a helmet on you and stuff you in. You can’t move your arms or your head. They don’t even want you to swallow or move your eyes for 90 minutes! The thing makes so much noise you have to wear earplugs.

Again, all was well. So what the heck is up? After a conference with the Nuro guy they decide to do an ultra sound of the arteries in my neck going to the brain. Again nothing.

7 or 8 hours later the fourth doctor comes in and looks at the chart. Wow, who ordered all these test and what’s with all the doctors?

Chapter three

Anyway, the final results. He says, the good news is no heart attack, no stroke, and no heart problems. The bad news, they don’t know what was wrong, maybe bad gas, take an aspirin and go to bed. Really, one baby aspirin a day and adios.

So how was your day?

An email sent to me yesterday from my father, based on actual events. Yeah, he's pretty cool. Too cool for something like this to happen though... this was the most light-hearted way to send disheartening news. I will be heading to Portland this afternoon (at least I aspire to) to make sure he is alright and to let him know that if he doesn't take care of himself, he's gonna have me on his hands. And I can be a handful. ;)

On a Tuesday night...

2004-11-17T01:46:00.000-08:00

.

there are clouds in the sky. and they reflect in our eyes.
they seep through my pores. they fog up my mind.
because i speak your language. one i will never understand.
yet i write through keys. i still write with my hand.
and you will never know. quite what i'm thinking.
how could you think i'm sober. if i tell you i'm always drinking.
and how could you think. that i don't really know.
i don't know my friends. i make all my foes.
when will it end? i know it will never end.
i walk through a door. down stairs i decend.
but i know i'm going up. straight up to heaven.
to a place i don't even believe. no, i ain't believin'.
but i'm tryin to see. to see where i'm headin.
but who can really tell me. they know i won't listen.
I will always stop believin. believin in you.
for everything you stand for. for everything you do.
you could never move me. i'm to brazen and unrelenting.
you could never love me. i'm to hard, yet too forgiving.
sometimes.
sometimes i cry. but you will never see it.
try as you try. you wouldn't believe it.
my heart is too cold. my mouth gets too dry.
and if you want to kiss me. keep your eye on the prize.
i'm not what you want. you better keep looking.
thats just what they tell you. and all that you took in.
so please walk away. you're used to abandoning.
keep your tastes normal. keep your mind mainstream.
or else they won't like you. they find your points burdening.
so keep your thoughts light. ignore the awakening.
all i can tell you. is to get really drunk.
you won't get anywhere. but you'll have lots of fun.
and tomorrow morning. the sun will rise again.
to create all your shadows. that allow you to bend.

i wrote this after drinking. a whole lot of tequila.
go to bed i am thinking. tomorrow i will see ya'.
sayonara.
i can be lame sometimes.

Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

2004-11-15T18:43:00.000-08:00

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What would you say if I told you that Despair was immature?
If you are able to negate meaning from life, you could assume that there is no hope. Hope can be damaging in that it allows and even forces despair on those who hold it, along with the fact that it shouldn't be trusted. Putting faith in something or someone gives that thing, person or idea power over you. This is dangerous. This is naive.
Despair is a poison, a state we so often allow ourselves to fall into that imposes on us the idea that things could be better. Things are the way they are and that is how it should be (keep in mind though, that this does not necessarily imply that we deserve it). Despair is the consequence of ideals that we have recognized and gobbled up, placed in front of us on the table that is society, served on the plates manufactured by the media.
We find hope in the conquest of these ideals. We work jobs we hate to buy that house on the hill because we are told this will make things better. What we miss in all of this nonsense is that Happiness is entirely subjective, and that to achieve it (in my opinion) we don't need money or power, we just need to take full advantage in the opportunities that come our way. We need change to be happy, no matter how content you may be, soon enough boredom will creep up on you and it will wreak havok on your pristine little world. Denying yourself opportunities, mostly the opportunities of new experiences, will eventually lead to a collapse of your state of mind and you will, yet again, feel lost.
But one must be careful.
Once you begin to seek out opportunity too frivilously, you will begin to lose yourself. Let it ride. And don't let yourself get too caught up in chasing something you will never catch.
Sustaining hope for something that, in the back of your mind, you know you may never achieve can be like swallowing a slow acting poison.
In reference to my first statement, the immaturity in despair is seeded in the blindness and naievity of hope. And again, you must first accept that things are the way they are if you are to use an otherwise desparing situation to your own advantage. If you can accomplish this, hate and contempt will be worthless to you and worry will be incidental.
Many would argue that this approach will just lead to apathy, discontent and an eventual pretentious bitterness towards the world. This very well may be true if you begin to use this frame of mind as a cop-out, so to speak. It is wrong to simply not care at all. Pascal once stated that, "a man does not show his greatness by being at one extremity, but rather by touching both at once." You must embrace this outlook on life and thought because it allows you the possibility and opportunity to trancend caring and not caring. This is why it is immature to despair, because that which you are despairing about is marginal and essentially does not need to matter to you to the extent that it can rape you of your happiness. Free yourself!
I am not saying all of this because I think it is easy, nor do I claim that this is a description of my own mindset. It is similar to the manner in which I have been thinking lately, and this outlook has given me much comfort when certain events in my life would have otherwise lead to despair. Paticularly, certain events that occured this past weekend which are a little to heavy as well as a bit too personal to go into as of yet. You can bet, though, that it will be a topic of much discussion on my part in the near future, once I give myself enough time to make sense of it all.
This was also not an attempt to hold this idea up as its own ideal, that would of course be somewhat of a contradiction to the idea itself. With all the "you should"'s and "you must"'s that I have thrown about it would probably be very hard for me to argue that describing an ideal wasn't my intention (I say this after reading what I have written), but I guess I could redeem myself a little by saying that the idea of this post was to, first off, get it out of my system, and second to offer these thoughts as advice. I'm really not that worried about being criticized though, seeing that my audience doesn't appear to be that large. Oh well.
Alright, I am done BS-ing for today...it is now time to finish up some school work. After all, how can I get rich and powerful without the vast knowledge, vocabulary and morals provided by an honest education? I'll have to call ol' Georgy-porgy and ask him.

Post Title

2004-11-13T21:14:00.000-08:00

.

I really have nothing to say in this post, it is somewhat frustrating. I get the urge to update this thing all the time, i'll write a whole post just on a whim. Yet, when I read it over I can't even remember what I was thinking. So, of course, I delete it and go back to pretending I have a life.
But this time I will brainstorm and choose something to analyse and pick apart...hmmm...what will it be?
Ah, okay I know what I am going to talk about tonight. Most recently in my philosophy class we have been discussing Foucault and sexuality, so I think I am going to extend my thoughts on the subject to my blog. I think the inspiration for this also has been drawn by the recent passing of measure 36 in Oregon, nullifying the recognition of any existing or future gay marraiges by the state.
Although I must respect that many of the 'yes' votes on this measure were in accordance with the church, an organization which does wonderful things for communities and lost people all over the world, denying the right to certain tax breaks etc. provided by the state to untraditionally married couples is wrong.
Homosexuality does not hurt anyone in itself. The only thing that makes it hard is that it spawns fear in those who don't understand it so they, in turn, persecute and hate those that claim to be homosexual.
Fundamentally, homosexuality may have been a threat to the expanding populations of prehistoric man and this could be the source of the stigma placed upon it un modern society. Yet, if you look at it objectivly, you must take into consideration that the reason we are sexual is so that we don't go extinct. We procreate to pass our genes to the next generation, and the ideals such as love are secondary to this. Today, the human population is so vast that homosexuality may be the saving grace and the cure to overpopulation. I would rather have homosexuals running loose in the streets professing their love for eachother than to have the government tell me that I am only allowed to have one child. That control is far more terrifying than having a gay couple living next door.
Think about the mormans, a group of people whom hold homosexuality as a taboo and a sin but also have very large families due to their beliefs. Try telling them they can only have one child.
Of course, this is all just theories and ideas and I could be full of BS, but it is so disheartening that this country claims to be a land of freedom, liberty and opportunity. Americans aren't excactly opressed in a tangible sense, but we are definitely not free, we are trapped in this net of capitalism, consumerism, infidelity and hypocracy. And, on top of that, we seem to leap at the opportunity to deny what rights we think we have to our peers. We are riased to hate ourselves and be terrified of everyone else. How did this happen?

Alright, now that I've got an entry out of my system I'm going to go poison myself with some alcohol and forget all about the state of things. A Domani!

What time is it (who cares)?

2004-11-10T16:35:00.000-08:00

.

Somebody turn out the lights!
Somebody turn out the lights!
Because that's not what I'm looking for.
I can't feel my friends,
No longer feel my friends.
Maybe I'm not what they're looking for?

When does the snow start falling here?
It's cold, the grass needs a blanket.
These leaves never die
In the reflection of our eyes.
And when it hangs in the sky, the moon is naked.

So, without these clouds,
The fog of our minds,
We know we'll never make it.
The sun seems to shine
On the sound of a sigh.
It was given, we just couldn't take it.

Yeah, it's easier to let it die.
Or...maybe...maybe just to fake it.

So, somebody let me in!
Please! Somebody let me in!
It's feels hotter when the breeze cools my skin.
We know it's not real,
No, it can't be real...
So the glow from a screen makes the world spin,
And the hands of a clock set a margin
For the walls of a box we locked our souls in
That was lost and long since forgotten.
It's been lost and long since forgotten.

Some Things Just Can't Wait

2004-11-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

Kiku

Ah death. Death, death, death. It is a part of life, but could it be that death is not always necessary? I say absolutely.
Yesterday night I buried two creatures who could have lived full lives if it were not for the apathy and/or objectivity of human nature.
Victim #1: a small white mouse as precious as the days are long whose purpose in life was to be a snake snack. Of course, this purpose was only imposed upon it by us humans. It was too young to be cold, the temperature dropped and it died alone in my room. I was over 100 miles away, but was there still something I could have done to save it? Probably, but what does it matter to me. Right?
Victim #2: a beautiful crimson beta named Hashi whom, at around 5 yesterday, looked perfectly healthy. My roomate and I came back into my room about 10:30 and found him motionless at the bottom of his bowl. My guess is the water had finally turned toxic. I hadn't cleaned it in a month. Could Hashi still be swimming round and round today? Probably, but I have better things to do. Right?
That mouse was going to die eventually. It's just a stupid fish, right?
There's nothing right about it. Death is a terribly lonely thing regardless of whether you are a person, a fish, a mouse, a bird or an ant. Etcetera. Why do you think we created religion? This desensitization that we have manifested in our little minds that enables us to ignore unecessary elimination of life, whether it be from starvation or plague or for oil, is a sickness far worse than any morning after we could ever experience. People are starving right now and there is food going bad in my refrigerator. Blood is being spilled for the fuel I put in my car so that I can drive to the theater and see a film about blood being spilled for profit or about spirits being crushed for sport. It's a sick thing, but I feel trapped inside of it.
If I have to bury another animal or thought due to the apathetic disease of others, I may become an alcoholic.
If I become any more apathetic about the drama of everyday life, I may become catatonic.
Then I may starve or die from a sickness that could be easily cured given the means.
But I guess thats life.
This is not an epiphany I just had, but something that swells inside of me and breeches the surface only on the occaision that I cannot harness it. Last night my desparation was spinning me faster and faster as I could not find my tap water conditioner, which I would use to save my other beta, Kiku. I litteraly tore apart my apartment, I could not sleep until I had done something to put off the inevitable. It would be against my basic principle to put my need for something as incidental as sleep ahead of the opportunity to stop some suffering. I may have seemed vain and I may have seemed crazy, but damn all the people who would say I could buy a new fish tomorrow. It's not about the fish at all. It's about appriceation of life, tainted with pity.

Like a Cast Shadow

2004-11-09T01:59:00.000-08:00

The Faint

This weekend I was graced with the opportunity to see an amazing group that caught my fancy a little under a year ago. This group, as you have already guessed, is The Faint. They are an indie-techno group (not sure how to really describe them) out of Omaha, NE, signed to Saddle Creek Records. Their mix of indie-house-pop is as catchy as it is racy, mixing social commentary and sexual innuendo with catchy beats and rhythms that, if you play it loud enough, will seep into you and course through your veins like alcohol and extacy.
The show was amazing, opening with Saddle Creek newcomers Beep Beep. This group has an interesting, somewhat comical stage presence full of eclectic sound, awkward movements, crooning and screaming. They played a good set.
Next on the roster was TV on the Radio, a group currently signed to Touch and Go Records. I felt their set worked as a medium between the rock of Beep Beep and the heavy incessant rhythm of The Faint. They mixed hip-hop influenced percussion with Hendrix influenced riffs that made for a very different and very pleasing experience. One song, the percssion was actually beatboxed by the only white member of the quartet. To say the least, their untraditional style gave their music a character that even some of the better music that has come out of the indie scene still lacks. I recommend checking them out.
Then on to The Faint. Thier performance was as good, if not better, than my expectations. What made it beautiful, though, was the cooperation of the crowd. By that time in the night we all were ready and waiting to let it all out, and let it all out we did. It wasn't like other shows where the kids in the front are getting rowdy, the kids in the back are just standing around, and there's that couple in the middle of it all (you know the one) where the boyfriend is violently shoving people off because his girl is complaining that her feet are getting stepped on. Everyone was getting into it; dancing, flailing, a little bit of moshing, crowd surfing--the works. By the last song everyone was so exhausted and overheated that it was all we could do to sway back and forth and rely on the people on chemicals to keep up the feeling. By that point I was so dehydrated I thought I was going to faint, myself. (Pun intended). Before the show my friend Eric and I shared a bottle of Chianti and a cigar so we were moderately buzzed. But when you're that warm and that violent and that close to people for that long, the chemical buzz becomes a natural buzz and thats more real and intense than anything. Needless to say it takes it's toll and can easily make a sane person pay $2 for WATER at a GAS STATION. It's something I'm not proud of, but I will be honest and say I can't regret it. Water is a beautiful thing.
Anyways, the show was killer (modestly speaking) and the drive back to eugene was even more life-threatening. The fog was so thick on I-5 it was as if I was driving through an ocean with no fish or fauna. And it was so dark. I can tell you, it is a very eerie thing when air casts a shadow. Peaceful, but eerie.
So, all in all the weekend was a good one. Something to embrace and relish until the memory is gone and only the ticket stub or the bruise or the empty bottle is left to remind you. A few days in the few I may have left before I get drafted that give life a meaning, well, a meaning without purpose. I am content for now.

Check out The Faint and Beep Beep.
Check out TV on the Radio.

True Blue

2004-10-25T14:30:00.000-07:00

monday

I got the two new Bright Eyes singles today. And somebody called me 'sunshine'. I am smiling.

I find it funny how such seemingly insignificant occurences can function so many different ways and on so many levels. Today I found out that I missed an exam in italian, I forgot the paper I needed to turn in for philosophy on my desk in my apartment and I spent money, which is something I should never do. Actually spending money can be justified to a certain extent if (1) it is spent on some creditable form of art (because, usually, the art does more for you than the money you spent on it ever could), if (2) it is spent on some intoxicating substance or if (3)it is spent as a gift or on a gift for another. Food should be free, water should be free, knowledge should be free, time should be free. We don't owe anyone for these things because they are in our nature. Actually, now that I've thought it over for a second, the only circumstance under which we should pay for any intoxicating substance is if it had to be made. Preparing a drug for the purpose of using it to forget that we have no purpose, to me, is an art.
And so on.

SO all of this on my mind and I am laughing. Sometimes my frustration and these frequent moments of despair become weightless. I must say, it is nice being sunshine.

Sunday Sunday Someday

2004-10-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

.

So I've found that lately I walk around in circles. Back and fourth, back and fourth. At first I blamed it on my absent-mindedness. That is part of it, I'm sure, but it's not enough to explain it. Maybe I have lost my mind? No, thats not it either. I've lost direction.
Where am I going and what will I do when I get there? Will I ever get there at all? Probably not. I will find some quiet place along the way and never leave it. I'll end up walking in circles there, round and round, back and fourth. I know I can't excape it. I will never be able to spell it out. I can think about it, pry into it until my ears bleed. My thoughts are no different, though...round and round and round. And, yes, it can get nauseating. Thats what the booze is for, I guess.
You know what I hope my problem is? I hope that I'm evolving, a natural selection of the mind. It seems like it is just the same thing over and over and over again, but maybe I'm missing something in my reflection. The subtle changes whose newness is overlooked while, once they have enough of a presence to be noticed, are taken for granted. I hope.

Letting Off the Happiness

2004-10-22T15:19:00.001-07:00

life is a beach and then you die

One thing that I have grown to consistenly and genuinely despise is the concept of expectations. They are limiting, and they constantly demand definition. It's enough to make you sick. The world, society, everything and everyone has to live up to expectations and preconcieved notions, and it all has expectations of YOU. Whats worse, the fact that we take this as a given, like it is right and there is no other way to live, enables consequences. Lessons. We can no longer comfortably just be who we are, for we have too many expectations of ourselves. We pick a role and we play it. I want to be a philosopher, therefore I expect myself to do what philosophers do. I want to be a rockstar, therefore I must commit to things that aren't myself, I must fit myself into a certain mold of characteristics, mindsets and abilities. I can't just be something, I must become it. I have to conform even to be myself. Life is hard sometimes. I mean most of the time.
I think one of the more difficult things once you understand this is having to watch and endure your freinds, family, lovers, society and your own struggle with expectations, knowing that there is nothing you can do about it, you can't just accept it, only adapt to it. I have found apathy to be a fairly effective route, but only on the personal level, because the struggle still remains in others and you inevitably experience it through them.
Nobody really knows what they're doing or to what end they're doing it for. Unless, of course, it is to satisfy an expectation or standard set by somebody else, which has then been accepted. With all expectations aside, maybe there isn't anything to do. There is nowhere we truely need to be. It may sound narcissistic, but in this state, WE are something, finally. We don't become something, we just are. Ourselves. There is nothing else, until we begin to realate to the world again. Realize that you are sitting in a chair, in front of this screen, reading, possibly falling asleep...thinking about how all this is BS. Maybe you are thinking about how you want to be more like me or feel the way I feel or see things through my eyes (a very common occurence, I rule). Ah, but there you go conforming!
It's difficult.
Yet in a sense it puts things in perspective, even makes things easier.
Don't let people control you, who you are or what you are becoming.
Someone whom I hold with very high regard once wrote in a song:

"I have learned that nothing is as pressing
As the one who's pressing would like you to believe
...
And I find that life is easier when it's just a blur
With no details to confuse who or what or where I was
So when the ending comes the full regret will seem obscure"

6 points to anyone who knows who that someone is.
So, I guess the whole purpose of this entry is to say, stop worrying! Tell everyone to shut up for a second, give yourself a break. Try and appriceate who you are, not what your worth. Potential can be disabling, petty, fascist bullshit sometimes. Classification is propaganda, a way to sort us out with our worth as our weight. Don't worry about that. Don't worry about yourself. Chill. If everyone could do this, it would make my life easier anyways, and maybe we wouldn't feel so alone.

Yeah, yeah---ain't it the truth?

2004-10-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

...art...

"I had no respect whatsoever for the creative works of either the painter or the novelist. I thought (the painter) with his meaningless pictures had entered into a conspiracy with millionaires to make poor people feel stupid. I thought (the novelist) had joined hands with other old-fashioned story tellers to make people believe that life had leading characters, minor characters, significant details, insignificant details, that it had lessons to be learned, tests to be passed, and a beginning, middle and an end.
"As I had apporaoched my fiftieth birthday, I had become more and more outraged and mystified by the idiot decisions made by my countrymen. And then I had come suddenly to pity them, for I understood how innocent and natural it was for them to behave so abominably, and with such abominable results: They were doing their best to live like people invented in storybooks. This was the reason Americans shot each other so often: It was a convenient literary device for ending short stories and books.
"Why were so many Americans treated by thier government as though their lives were as disposable as paper facial tissues? Because that was the way authors customarily treated bit-part players in their made-up tales.
"And so on."
"Once I understood what was making America such a dangerous, unhappy nation of people who had nothing to do with real life, I resolved to shun storytelling. I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order, instead, which I think I have done.
"If all writers would do that, then perhaps citizens not in the literary trades will understand that there is no order in the world around us, that we must adapt ourselves to the requirements of chaos instead.
"It is hard to adapt to chaos, but it can be done. I am living proof of that: It can be done."

...interesting...I love satire.

The Feel Good Revolution

2004-10-17T02:02:00.000-07:00

Conor

So, the day finally came. The Bright Eyes show. It delivered everything that was promised.
The Facts:
1) Bright Eyes, namely Conor Oberst, is my #1. Undeniably.
2) The other artists that were there (M. Ward, Jim James and Mike Mogis) are amazing.
3) Conor Oberst (the brains behind the whole project and the groups only constant member) is a wonderkid, a genuis beyond his years. He was playing in a band (Commander Venus---I highly recommend) when he was only 14 years old and hasn't stopped making tracks since, and it's ALL better than good. He is my hero.

The show started on time, opening with Portlands very own M. Ward, a bluesy indie artist and a beautiful guitar player. He literally seduces you with every note. He rocks. This was followed by many solo and collaborative performances by all the artists on the tour, which they themselves deemed "A Night with the Monsters of Folk". During one of Conors solos, a dead-drunk girl tried to throw herself over the balcony (the show was at the Roseland Theatre in Portland) and was only caught by a friend two seconds before she could have seriously maimed herself. It was so disrupting, Conor stopped his melody and just directed a boyish, irritable stare towards all the commotion until breaking the silence with "Waste of Paint" from his most recent album, Lifted, followed by "One Foot in Front of the Other" from the Saddle Creek 50.
Then, he progressively got himself good and drunk (earning the pet name Co-neer O-beerst, given to him by Jim James), kicking over a beer onto his pedals, hitting himself in the face with the mic while tuning his acoustic, making slurred statements about target, sprinkling his speech with four-letter words and finally knocking over the mic and leaning on his bandmates to the point of losing rhythm. It was glorious. Jim James, the lead of the group My Morning Jacket, also brought his own element, busting out about a minute and a half beat solely using the top of his electric-acoustic, breaking free from his heavy folk roots and add a little more flavor to the mostly mellow set. Also, the presence of Mike Mogis was an amazing treat. Mogis has produced tracks and albums for most all of the groups on Saddle Creek Records and groups such as The Gloria Record and was also a member of Lullaby for the Working Class. A legend of indie music, modestly speaking.
The experience tossed me into a whole new world of appriceation for Bright Eyes, Conor, and it gave me hope for the genre.
After the show was over, Eric and I went around the back of the venue to maybe catch a glance or have a conversation with Conor or any one of the guys that felt like fraternizing. Mike Mogis and Jim James made breif cameos but all Conor could muster was a small, inhebriated wave while stumbling to the bus. A small dissapointment, but oh well. After a show like that he doesn't owe us anything.
Eric and I left around 1:30 with our newfound friend Moona, a nice girl we met while waiting in the rain. We gave her a ride to a friends house in SE and then made our way back home.
I am highly anticipating the new Bright Eyes albums , which will be out in January.
Also, since we're somewhat on the subject of Saddle Creek...The Faint is playing the Roseland on Nov 7th. I'll be there. Check it out.

You can find more pics of the show here.

College again

2004-10-07T21:18:00.000-07:00

summer

So I'm back at school and things are up and running. I am now living off campus in a three bedroom appartment and it's sweet. My room now, just my bedroom, is bigger than the room I was living in last year with another person. Screw the dorms!
Anyways I had a pretty good summer all in all, lots of fun activities including working at the pool, Warped Tour, Bumbershoot, Las Vegas and a private mini concert from one of my favorite bands. Ah yeah. I'll go into all of these soon but for now I must put away groceries and drink.

A Mess to be Made

2004-07-02T01:34:00.000-07:00

Ahh. I finally have a place to live.
Two days ago (Tuesday the 30th), I met up with my future roomates Resa and Kevin who drove all the way from Pendelton, Oregon to pick me up on the way to Eugene. I have known Resa for a while now, she was the dormmate of a high school friend at U of O, but Kevin was a stranger. I guess I just trusted Resa's judge of character and let her choose the third roomate. As far as first impressions go, I think she chose well.
They picked me up at my home around noon, upon which I took the liberty of giving them the grand tour. I was pleased at the fact that neither of them seemed put out at the sight of my room, which is still in a state of dissarray from the overflow of stuff I brought back from school about a month ago. I know. It's sad.
Thats my style, though...I guess.
So, after I showed them around we headed out to get fuel, some lunch, then to hit the road. Of course, we ended up at Taco Bell. Due to the fact that I didn't have any cash at the time, I was forced to go in search of an ATM. Without any luck in the Fred Meyer across the parking lot, I convinced Kevin to drive me to the nearest bank, which happened to be a Wells Fargo about a block away across the street. This particular Wells Fargo, instead of what would be at any normal branch, had ONLY drive up ATMs. I had already told Kevin that I didn't want to go to the drive-thru, so I decided to spare myself the loss of dignity and try to use one of the ATMs without getting run over or told that I wasn't allowed to 'walk-up' to an ATM of this sort. So I stealthily and successfully made my withdrawl without any of the above said happening and made it back to the car without having to look like an ass.
After we had all gotten lunch and filled up on fuel, we began our journey to Eugene. we made it there in a little under 2 hours, instead of the usual hour and 15 that it takes me, at we beelined it straight to Ducks Village. I let the slow driving slide seeing as I'm lucky enough to have ended up with two chill people to live with, I couldn't afford to start criticizing either of them yet.
So, as I said, we arrived at Ducks Village and filled out all the neccessary paperwork to secure ourselves a spot for next year. You'd be suprised how mech reading is involved in this process and what the reading contains. For example: in one part of the contract, bold and in all caps, it reads NO KEGS ARE ALLOWED ON PREMISES AT ANY TIME. Yeah, thats super important. They put the part addressing kegs in bold, but all the other stuff about not having weapons or threatening the safety of those you're living with or drugs is in the fine print. Hmmm.
After that was taken care of, we needed to take on the next task of gatherig applications for Kevin in order for him to find a method to pay for the lease while he is living with us in Eugene. We drove around aimlessly for a while, picked up a newspaper, and scanned the Jobs section while Resa began heading towards RiteAid to talk to her boss about when she would be starting work again.
At RiteAid, while Resa was fratenizing with all her former workmates from the year, Kevin and I browsed the gardening tools and discussed some of the novel things we should have in our new appartment. After meandering for a while, I pulled out my mother's digital camera which I swiped and began taking obscure pictures of anything remotely interesting I could find.

Once we had left RiteAid, we decided that we had no more business in Eugene, and began the journey home. The drive was fairly nice, it was a warm, clear day and we only hit a little traffic on 205, which is a scenic route in comparison to I-5, which is extremely bland and chalk-full of drivers ready to send you soaring off the deep end. I also took some photos of the trip home, due to the fact that there was nothing much more interesting than taking pictures to do in the back seat of Resa's Camry.

Once back in Portland, we ended up at my house, where Resa and Kevin had the pleasure of meeting my mother, who was a little tipsy at the time off a Vodka martini she had polished off that the neighbors. My mother is not a drunk by any means, so it was a pretty entertaining sight for all of us, although she managed not to make an ass of herself (thank GOD) and scare away my friends.
We chilled at my house for about 15 minutes, then decided to make the night a little more enteratining by taking a walk through Johnson Tideman park, a nice little area by my house, which is lovely during the day but a popular locale for bums and junkies after dark, to smoke a little before heading off to get ourselves some Thai food.

Johnson Tideman

After dinner, we ate desert at the local Coldstone Ice Creamery, which has the most amazing ice cream I have ever had. While we gobbled up the cake batter flavored desserts, we bagan calling around trying to find out what our next fun and wholesome activity would be for the day.
Of course, we were on the quest for some alcohol. We managed to find a party quite easily, but the alcohol was a a bit of a struggle to come upon. Eventually, after over an hour and a half of waiting around smoking cigars and terrorizing the playground in Berkley Park, my good friend Derek finally hooked it up. What a great guy.

Once we had our provisions, we drove out to a little place called Corbett, Oregon (aka the middle of goddamned nowhere) to drink on a nice and very secluded property with a few friends of Resa's. We shared 40's, cigars and a nice bottle of Diablo Creek merlot. It was a lovely night for it too; clear, not too cold and complemented by the warm glow of the city below.
I gave myself some time to sober up, although I wasn't really that impaired at any point during the night, and took off to find my way back to my own bed around 1:30 or 2 am. It was a pretty long drive home, and given the time I was out I had to be very careful so as to not get pulled over, considering the fact my breath probably still smelled like wine. I arrived safely at home around 3:15am, ready as ever to hit the hay. And that I did, with no intention to lay and ponder about the day; pne in which I feel was, again, not wasted in the least, and left me looking foreward to the fall.

Sit back and watch the world go by

2004-06-29T01:16:00.000-07:00

Kevin
So, today was more like one of my typical summer days. A day chalk full of what I would expect if I woke up and it was last summer. ---pause for reflection and slow slow sigh--- Those were good days.
Today started off with my alarm not waking me up until about 20 min before I had to be at work teaching a class. By some miracle, I ended up getting out of the house in time to arrive at work on time. AND I had a lunch packed. It was crazy.
So, at work, I got through teaching in what seemed like no time. We actually ran out of stuff to teach and pool-related activities to do, so Sean - the other instructor - and I decided that it would be fun to venture out into the park for a game of, yeah you guessed it, KICKBALL.
If you actaully guessed dodgeball, you have wrongingly assumed that I am some sort of tool that, simply because some funny Ben Stiller movie entitled 'Dodgeball' is in theaters at the moment, would actually think it was "cool" to go play dodgeball. I'm not trying to knock the movie, it was hilarious, but the fact that dodgeball leagues are making the front page of the Oregonian. Thats just excessive.
We played kickball for about a half hour. It was really fun even though my team lost. I wasn't really sad about it though because I scored a one of our two runs, so at least I didn't look like a loser. Then a few of the girls from my class bought me Starbucks. Which was also pretty sweet.
After the class was over, my day continued on into a haze of sun, laughter and light work. Once 7 o'clock rolled around, my good friend Kristi stopped by the pool and invited me to another good friends birthday barbeque, which was going on in the park just then. By the way - Happy Birthday Roman. So I ate a few hot dogs and shared a few drinks in the park with some old high school friends.
After the barbeque, I headed out to catch the Team Friendship game that was going on. Team Friendship - if you don't already know - is a CHS/Central/*etc* based indoor soccer team thats competes in a league out in Clackamas. I know a few people on the team so I had made some promises earlier about attending the match. I show up to find the game well underway with Team Friendship up by three. They ended up with the victory with the final score of 9-6.
My one of my workmates and friends, Kevin, is on the team. We ended up talking for a little bit after the game and decided that we didn't want to go home just yet. We went in search of some food and found oursleves in the Wendy's parkinglot doing cookies and spilling our drink's all over the floor of Kevins minivan.
Once we had begun eating, Kevin made the mistake of offering up the wheel to me. Bwaha.
So we ended up halfway to Gresham, I believe it was, when Kevin suggested we go on a road trip to Hood River. I agreed, of course, and we started the journey back to the Indoor Soccer arena to pick up my car to e dropped off.
We had been on the road for about 20 minutes when some crazy drunk girl started blowing up Kevins cell phone claiming that se was at some party drinking and she needed Kevin to come "hang out". So, basically, this chick was booty calling Kevin for about a half an hour. He claims she is gross, though, so I didn't feel bad about holding my man back from the opportunity to, well, get some.
So, we were cruising along the highway running along the river into the Gorge when we looked up and noticed Crown Point. We took the exit onto the Historical ( aka crappy) Highway To head on up there. We drove for what seemed like an hour on this dark deserted stretch of road until we finally got up to the point.
It ended up being a nice night, clear enough to see the moon, which lit the part of the River that was not already illuminated by the glow of the city. We talked about soccer and airplanes while continually joking about sending Kevin's keys sailing down into the dense forest hundreds of feet below. We walked around and spoke shortly to a bunch of drunk kids also enjoying the scenery.
We eventually grew bored and headed back to the van. On the way home we passed at least 5 poor souls that had been pulled over for god knows what.
I ended up back home around twelve-thirty, ready to finish off the wonderful day on the chillest way I could imagine. So I went back out into the night and burnt one down whilst checking my voicemail to make it look like I was actually talking on the phone, something I commonly do outside once it gets past a certain time in order to not wake everyone up in the paper-thin building I call home.
I came back inside, changed into my pyjammas, popped in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas...and now here you find me. At the end of a day that is one in which I hope has set the tone for the rest of the season. Tonight I will fall asleep with a smile knowing that today was not thrown to waste, like the waste that has been the past few weeks of my life. It's a good feeling. Goodnigh all. Goodnight.

emo sucks

2004-06-25T01:32:00.000-07:00

So, today was just another one of those days, that is, pretty much just like all the others. Nothing exciting enough to mention about work. Oh, except the fact that I conned my assistant manager, whom is in charge of scheduling, into buying me and the whole evening staff Popeye's chicken for covering some measly 1 1/2 shift for another staff member. Yeah, am I good? I'm good.
Anyways, I had originally made plans tonight to attend a CD release party/show in which one of my friends from high school's band was playing at. Well, I wouldn't necessarily call him a friend...more like a friend-of-a-friend with whom I rode the bus with quite often and went to Homecoming with my Junior year.
The plan was that I would meet two of my better friends there around 8 and I would stay until around 9:15, I was then going to meet some work friends to see the movie Dodgeball.
So I call my friend Jay, whom I assumed was there, in order to find my way to the venue in which this whole shindig was going down. Of course, he gave me some bogus directions, so I had to take a shot in the dark guessing where it actually was. Luckily I found the place without too much trouble. Once I parked and found my way to the door, I called up my friends once more only to find out that they had left because the other bands that were playing 'sucked' and our friends band wasn't playing til 9:30 -- 15 minutes after I had planned on leaving. So I was a little disappointed, but I thought "Oh well, I can still go in and check it out. It really can't be all that bad."
Before I was going to venture in, I strolled over to the side of the building to call one of my work friends to let her know I wouldn't be needing a seat saved at the movie due to the fact that I had enough time now to get there before it started, and while I was in the middle of my conversation some Goober whom I recognized from high school walks up to me and asks me to move over to the front of the building because apparently 'people loitering on the side of the building disrupts the bands'. Like I was some groupie trying to 'get in' with these super cool bands that were going to play at this super crazy show. I just looked at him and said flatly, "Excuse me?".
So, he repeats himself in this 'oh-so-important' tone of voice, and I just replied "Didn't you go to Cleveland?", again very flatly and completely disregarding what he had said. He mumbles some form of 'yeah', taking the hint that I wasn't going to 'stop loitering' and that I wasn't too concerned about 'disrupting the bands' and walked off in a somewhat defeated manner.
Once I was off the phone, I walked back up to the door ready to go in, when it hit me that I really didn't know why I was still there. I turned around and just glanced over all the 'hardcore indie kids' that were chillin out on the sidewalk, smoking their cigarettes and talking about bands and whatever indie kids were supposed to talk about, and I just felt like such a tool. Not because I was blonde and was wearing A+F jeans (mind you I was wearing a Saddle Creek shirt), but because everyone around me looked exactly the same. The experience, in my eyes, could easily have been paralleled to walking into a Frat party and scanning the crowd for a friend. Except, of course, these kids, although as trendy if not moreso than the usual frat scene, were pretentious, chic assholes...as opposed to meatheaded, loud assholes.
I'm not trying to hate on anyone, I myself am extremely into that scene. I take my music very seriously, I would rather listen to a band no one knows about than something popular, and my confidence in the quality of music that I listen to results in my disapproving of anyone who 'sells out' (for lack of a better term) or who listens to 'emo' because they play it on the OC.
But give me a break. Everyone there had black or partially black hair, which or course was falling into their eyes. They were all sporting some vintage shirt or merch from some obscure band. All of their pants were too tight, or they had on a skirt with boots, and they all were wearing either some chucks or some weird pair of uncomfortable looking shoes. These kids had to have put WAY more thought into their image than any prepster I know. And that upset me. I actually felt embarrassed to be there. The whole indie rock scene can be such fagotry sometimes, and I'm not talking about the punkers who rock out to NFG or Thursday, I'm talking about the people who think they're SO above that and they're SO real. Newsflash: you're just as much of a dusch as him or me or the kid across the street. Get over yourself. Defining yourself to that extent just limits the amount of potential and openmindedness that is apparent of you by others. I guess people just can't realize sometimes their own triviality.
On a lighter note, Dodgeball was pretty good. It delivered what it promised and offered up some worth-repeating dialogue. Overall it was really just another Ben Stiller movie, but I have to say I do plan on owning a copy someday.
Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody.

Like Snow, Like Gold

2004-06-22T00:27:00.000-07:00

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.

Choose your future.

Choose life.

If you hadn't already guessed it, I am watching the movie Trainspotting at the moment, and what a good movie it is. It really has an interesting message if you choose to listen. I guess you can take what you will from it.
Anyways, on another note, I have been feeling so mixed up lately. Today, all day, I had the craving for hot cocoa and snowcones like it was the middle of January. Everytime I look out my front window it feels strange to me not to see orange, yellow and brown blanketing my yard. Instead, the days are long and bright and the lawn seems greener and greener everytime I look at it. The flowers are shedding thier petals and my cats are shedding all over my clean laundry. Ahh summer.
My theory on why I've been having such contradicting feelings lately, now that I've been sitting here contemplating it for a few minutes, is that I really have no expectations for this summer. Seriously. All I know is that I'm working, I'm going on the annual week-long yachting trip with the fam, and my mother and I will be hitting up Vegas sometime in August. Oh, and I finally got my Warped Tour ticket...not that I have a clue who I would be going with. Honestly, I would be content flying solo seeing as the only person with whom I share a similar taste in music with has lost their sense of God-given free will. But thats another long and tedious story I care not to share unless deemed completely neccessary.
So, other than that pathetic list, I am utterly plan-less for the summer. Hooray. The really sad part is that I am completely apathetic about it. I like my friends. I like my job. My vacation will be fun. But nothing is new and for some reason I feel out of place here. Like I have moved on.
If I'm lucky, July will come along and bring something new and exciting for me. If I'm not, at least I'll have a tan.

Commence The Summer

2004-06-21T00:59:00.000-07:00

So I think my summer has finally started. If you don't believe me, I have the mosquito bites to prove it. Contrary to popular belief, yachting does have some drawbacks, but I suppose I will discuss those at a more appropriate time.
Due to the fact that this is my first entry, I feel as if I should speak on why I am starting this whole 'having a website' thing. I really would like to start some sort of journal, anything that keeps me writing and away from the television. I've never really been able to keep up anything on paper, I just lose interest too quickly, mainly because I get absolutely no feedback whatsoever. Also, I feel that the whole LiveJournal scene is for middle-schoolers and high-schoolers that have had an account since middle school. So, I decided to check out this whole Blogger thing.
One of my good friends that I met at U of O whom you may be acquainted with - Mr. Donnie Jeter - runs a Blog site (check it out) which I am lead to believe is quite popular. A fine website by a fine young man. This is what inspired me to start one of my own using Blogger as the host. I also have another site in the making hosted by Asian Avenue. I'm going to keep that one up for the simple fact that I love Asians - well, most Asians - and I feel honored to be part of something that they have created. I also have a friend that goes to UP who is into web design, so he is helping me personalize my site, which is pretty cool. Beyond the AIM world, my web-savviness is pretty lacking and I take any help that I can get. With this site and the one at AA I hope to build up some cyber-street cred before the internet engulfs the world... which will happen if we don't over-pollute or over-populate it first.
Anyways, as you can assume, this site is new and you must allow much room for me to improve it. I am open to any suggestions and constructive criticism that you may have to offer, and you are free to make fun of me at any time for any stupid mistakes I make. Thank you for checking it out and please comment, it makes me feel special.