on the balcony

Kind of laid back.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Can't take the HEAT


This is chalk on cement. Flat cement. It's crazy. Posted by Hello

So, monday night I made the hour and a half trip back to Portland after having returned from there less than 24 hours before. Silly, but true. The purpose this time was not for any gluttonous holiday, but for the Owen show. Actually, the headliner was mewithoutYou, but I had no prior knowledge of who they were and had not spent $12 of my sparse pocket change to see. The trip turned out to be well worth it though.
Owen is actually the solo project of Mike Kinsella (of Cap'n Jazz, Joan of Arc, The One Up Downstairs, American Football, Owls, Maritime and Aloha---yeah he's been around). It's mostly acoustic, with the occaisional bass, drum and keyboard tracks layered on, all done by him. His set was short but moving, I really appriceate artists that put so much of themselves into what they create...it can change those otherwise hollow moments spent listening and watching into an experience that painlessly remains in the memory and is worth reliving in the mind.
Mike is actually an extremely nice person. He was very easy to talk to and a sincere modesty rang in every word he said, a tell that he probably has a lot to say but keeps each line substantial and honest. I find this a very valuable quality in people, I wish it was more abundant. He also is a pretty funny guy.
Also in the line-up were Despitado, The Snake The Cross The Crown and, as I had mentioned before, mewithoutYou. Despitado offered only a run-of-the-mill sound. The players were talented, but they lacked...well...soul, I guess.
I had seen The Snake The Cross The Crown previously at Warped Tour, but I really hadn't formulated any kind of opinion of them. After watching them live at this show for the second time, I decided they are a good group impending rampant popularity. I really wish I could describe their sound, but I think I wouldn't really do any justice for them. I'm not saying that because they are too extravagantly great for words, I just don't know what to say. If you want you can check them out on their website.
mewithoutYou was a pretty interesting experience as well. Talk about emotion. These guys weren't messing around when they made their music. The lead singer looked like he was going to pop throughout almost the whole set. This is not to give the impression that they are some post-hardcore-screamo band, there was very little screaming, mearly an intense stage presence and deeply communicative facial expression. So much so that one could assume that they were playing as much for themselves as for the audience. I recommend checking them out, which can be done here.
Also, possibly worth mentioning, I saw some old aquiantences at the show. Of course, Bryce Hooper was there...I see him at virtually every show I go to. One thing that suprised me was that he appeared to have himself a woman. This was worth noting due to the fact that he definately puts out the "I'm too depressed/hardcore/indie to get/have women" impression. Plus, he works at Hot Topic...I really can't imagine that the mall provides much of a playing field for him. Oh well, what do I know.
I also saw Michele Blumelle (I don't think I spelled that right), whom I haven't seen in over a year and a half. We were on the high school dragon-boat/six-sixteen team and we developed a fairweather friendship due to similar taste in music. She was looking pretty good, which was somehow refreshing to me, and it was nice to see her.
Last but not least, while I was waiting in line prior to the show...out in the rain and the cold and the wind...I struck up a conversation with a pretty interesting guy from Forest Grove. Nothing about him told anything about what I would have thought about him or what we actually talked about. He appeared to be your average straightedge scene'ster (sans the died-black hair), but as it turns out, he's an aspiring hair-dresser who works at a Sharis which recently got shot up during a gang rivalry/dispute between two tables. I guess a guy was shot in the face and thus is no longer with us today. So it goes.
He said it's a strikingly odd and unnerving experience to watch blood, instead of water, progressing down a driveway strip towards the drains. I can only imagine.
He was a very cool person though and I hope to see him again someday. Of course, I can't remember his name. I suck.

Moving onto todays less exciting, but more progressive, events; Kevin, Resa and I finally gt the chance to break the ice about the building tension in the apartment. I had turned off the heat due to the fact it was warm enough in the apartment to be comfortable, or at least nothing a blanket or sweatshirt couldn't solve. Moments later, the heat came back on. I walked back out of my room, clicked off the heat with as much conviction as I could muster and said, as pleasently as possible, "Why is the heat on?!? It's hot e-goddamned-nuff in here."
As I expected, Resa came out of her room and threw me the compromise line again. I don't want to belittle what she has to say, I don't want to give you that impression, so I will try my best to be fair and say that she really does have a point. But, honestly, the point is only backed with hypocracy.
I feel this way mainly because I, and commonly Kevin, put out a great deal of effort cleaning the apartment. Especially the kitchen, whose messes tend to be epic and are consistently comprised of Resa's dishes, spills and half-eaten meals. This has been brought to her attention on a few occaisions without any apparent impact. Where is the compromise there?
Also, the distribution of resources used, namely electricity, centers in Resa's room where she has two snake cages complete with high-powered heating lamps etc, a mouse cage which is often lit with a desk lamp and, to top it off, a mini fridge (which most know, is not the cheapest of appliances to run. Of course she has a computer and a television but it woudn't be fair to count those. With all the heat lamps in there her room should be warm enough without the furnace I would think.
It's a very frustrating situation.
Another issue that I feel carries a lot of weight is the fact that Resa hasn't had a very congenial attitude towards me and Kevin lately and is often and unneseccarily condescending. I am not sure why this is, it could be because of us or it could be because of more personal things going on in her life, but it really causes more grief than should be accepted. If this weren't the case, this whole 'compromise'/heat issue would be smooth and easily solved...but have the feeling this is really going to be a lot harder than it has to be.
I guess Kevin proposed to Resa that we all get together and talk it out tomorrow night. I suppose this is because what could have been the discussion earlier was cut short due to Resa shutting her door in my face after I mentioned the unfairness of having to pay for all the electricity she is using up with the snakes etc. in her room. Oh, well. Tomorrow it is.

So thats all I really had to talk about today, or more appropriatly vent about, and I think I'm done. I also have a fairly large, comprehensive final for Psychology tomorrow and I probably should be studying....so until next time, have a great evening/morning/afternoon (or whenever you may be reading this) and I'm sure I'll post again soon.



Sunday, November 28, 2004

Thanksgiving and Subsequent Musings


Posted by Hello

Well, I'm back from the long weekend they call Thanksgiving Break. I feasted and drank til dawn every day of it. It was nice seeing some of the extended family, as odd as that may be. Being in Eugene, I don't often have the opportunity to visit with them at all...there's just no time. So it goes.
I would say the highlight of the weekend was hanging with my good friend from high school, Jessica. We went to this keggar that was thrown by some of her co-workers, drank beer and malt liquor and got to check out a post-hardcore band that was playing in the basement. All good things. To top it off, we ended the night with some good food to satisfy our stomachs which were otherwise full of alcohol and I had the pleasure of sleeping on a comfortable couch wrapped in an electric blanket. 'Twas glorious.
I will also speak of the low point of the weekend, to be fair. Actually, theres a draw between two things I could have done without: being sober at my friend Dane's party ( a very frustrating evening) and seeing my Aunt who had recently suffered from a breakdown. On second thought, reading the words on the screen as opposed to running them off in my head has made me decide seeing my Aunt was far worse than the other. She couldn't even fake a smile, she was a wreck. I like her a lot, too...which made it very hard for me to see her in her present condition. What made it worse was that people talked to her as if she were a child, whereas a year ago she was just there like everyone else. We really take our happiness for granted.
It's an odd thing, actually. I find that when I'm happy, I'm merely confused...you know, overwhelmed. When I'm depressed the thought of happiness is apalling, it really makes me sick. Yet, lately I haven't really found myself in either of those extremes, I'm always suspended somewhere in the middle. I smile because I know there's nothing for me. I'm to the point where I take pleasure in feeling lost and incomplete, and settling is now a foreign concept. I'm a drifter, I guess.
I just wish I could have been the one who fell victim to that malady, in place of my Aunt. The way I see things, I have a lot less to lose. But things are the way they are and wishing will just leave me empty and wandering.
I have been sitting here at my computer for hours wishing that the night would just be over, my work would be done and I could be asleep nestled in my bed. Where does the distraction lie? Why can't it go by faster? Time will tell, I suppose; it will sneak up on me and disarm me in the bat of an eye, like it did her. Until then I guess I'll just try to keep moving, keep my eyes open...looking for the affirmation that everything is secretly ironic and counting my blessings.
I hope you all had a good holiday and are keeping warm.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Two Bad Weeks, Not One Tear...And A Payoff


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Right now I am listening to Tilly and the Wall's debut album "Wild Like Children". I just purchased it recently and I really like it a lot. Their label is Team Love, started by Bright Eye's Conor Oberst and his friend named Nate. Some of the members of the group were in the band Park Ave. with Conor back when they were still in HS, and one of them occaisionally plays for Bright Eyes. This whole album was recorded in a basement, and the really cool part is that a lot of the percussion on the tracks isn't actually drums, it's tap-dancing. Very original. If you like Saddle Creek, you should check them out for sure.I can't seem to find where to add the links for these...it seems blogger is going through some renovations, maybe? I'll add them when I can.
So, anyways, my life has been very crazy lately. I haven't been able to focus one one particular thing, because if I did I would lose track of everything else and it would all fall apart. First off, my dad having a near stroke was pretty de-railing. Then there, of course, have been many things school-related that I have had to worry about with the term coming to a close. Not this past weekend, but the one before that my best, or more accurately put, "closest" friend got drunk, spit on my face more times than I care to recount and then hit me twice. I even had a little shiner for a few days.
That was fantastic.
Then, theres life around the apartment...one of my roomates lately has held a steady diregard for the cleanliness of the place. Every evening when I get home from school I have a huge mess to clean up. And I'm talking sick food messes. Bio-hazard country.
And to top it all off, the little kitten Johnson whom I have grown to love so dearly is being taken back to Pendleton and out of my life forever. This may not seem like such a big deal, but I really loved that kitten and it loved me back, it was a really good feeling.
So my life has been a sad story lately. Well, not really.
It could be worse, I could have broken my leg or crashed my car or lost a good friend to malaria. I'm not going to wallow, but it will take effort...I'm really good at letting this stuff get to me. I need to be strong. Yeah, as corny as it sounds.
At least I have my health. Ugh.
This most recent weekend was fun, though. I went back to Portland to visit the homestead and take my Dad to Sushiland for his birthday. I got to hang out with some old high-school friends (Dane and Derek) and get totally pissy-drunk. A cute boy kissed me at a party Dane and I had crashed while looking for something interesting to do.
It's actually a sweet story, so I'll tell it.
Listen:
As I had said, Dane and I were walking around the Hawthorne district in Portland a little tipsy and pretty damned bored. We heard some talking and laughing coming from the balcony of an old duplex, so we though we ought to check it out. What did we have to lose, really? So we go up to the door, which was unlocked, and let ourselves in. There were a decent amount of people there, but the place was big so it wasn't crowded. We introduced ourselves to a few people to get a feel for the crowd, and they all proved to be amiable and laid back. One of them made the mistake of telling us where to get the booze, so we went to the back porch to find two small kegs and a rack of beer. We helped ourselves and then went out to mingle. The average age of the crowd seemed to be about 20-25, and everyone had something interesting to say. We told jokes, talked about music, discussed the columbine shootings (spawned from someone bringing up the movie Elephant) and shared stories. Then this relatively tall guy came into the picture and provided us with a few new jokes and invited us to try some of this concoction he and a freind had brought for the party. They worked at a local micro-brewery and I guess it was one of their specialties. It was a mix consisting of Pink Lemonade, a fifth of Vodka and, believe it or not, Beer. Yeah, I know it sounds funky but it was delicious. After a few cups of that I was good to go.
So this tall guy and I ended up talking about this and that and, frankly, I thought he was pretty cool. He had a really big smile. One of the topics we brushed on was the sheer excellence of the Goodwill Outlet stores we have in the city. I had gotten the shirt I was wearing that night there, a little blue number that said "I need a kiss" and had a pile of Hershey's Kisses on the front. He said he dug it and I was flattered.
Eventually we parted ways and started conversing with new people about new things. One of the guys that lived at the place turned out to be an artist. He showed me some of his recent works and I was in awe. I wish I could create such original things. All in good time, I guess.
So, after talking to the artist for a while I realized that I hadn't seen Dane for probably an hour or more, and that I should probably try to at least touch bases with him. I was walking down the hall, when out of nowhere popped the tall boy with the big smile. He walked right up to me, grabbed my face, and gave me a huge smooch right on the lips. This, though, was no ordinary smooch...our lips locked and it tasted like chocolate. Before I knew it I had a Hershey's Kiss melting in my mouth! I have to admit, it was weird at first...not excpecting the kiss, let alone the chocolate...but it was the sweetest thing ever. I was so flattered and he looked so pleased with himself, it was a precious moment. We ended up sitting on the couch talking about God knows what and holding hands. We kissed a little more, then just sat there watching and listening. I probably sat there in silence for about 10 minutes when Dane found me and suggested taking off. He looked really tired and it was getting late so I agreed. I said goodbye to my smooching buddy and walked off with Dane into the night. I'm really sad that I can't remember his name now, but I suppose I shouldn't fret, assuming I will probably never see him again. Oh, well.
It was an interesting night to say the least, refreshing in a way. An event that occured out of the routine that has become my life recently.
Now, with the Thanksgiving Holiday drawing near...I am hoping to find more new and exciting things to keep my mind occupied. With the loss of my closest friend, due to his lack of self control (among other things), I have been attempting to get my lazy ass in gear and find myself a new scene. So far, my efforts have been semi-successful and I know I can't expect anything except what I get.
Speaking of effort, I have a Psych assignment due tomorrow that I haven't yet started. Ciao, and I hope the winter is treating you all well!

Friday, November 19, 2004

When rain dries, clouds form

come die with us!


...what's your connection to you?








I just recently watched this film. Needless to say I was intrigued...If you've seen it you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, che-che-check-it-out...

The Answer to the Problem: Dissolution.

Honest questions are an eclipse
Asked with eyes, and not the lips
And the answer always is:
"Stranger, I do not know."

Honest people rarely share
An honest answer is not there
They re-spond, true and fair:
"Stranger, I do not know."

Endless is this silly endeavour
An answer saught, simply forever
To get the food, pull the lever
And why? I do not know.

Hearts are broken, lives are shattered
Yet we press on, bruised and battered
And then we ask when it mattered
Always "Stranger, I do not know."

We all are strangers, we have our friends
And all this to our egos, tends
But who really cares? To what ends?
"Stranger, no-one knows."

How many pints do I need to drink?
My soul is a ship I need to sink!
Four? Five? or six you think?
It's an answer I need to know!

I know the place to find the truth
No it's not in a screen or telephone booth
And there is no God or Fountain of Youth
Friend, this I know.

Listen to your heartbeat, it is screaming
Your life, Life and Purpose are demeaning
Only in the question, lies the meaning.
This, friend, I know.

So, quit trying to learn your lessons
And quit with these absurd confessions
Ask yourself, not I, these questions
Because stranger, I do not know.
Because stranger, only you can know.
Stop torturing us with this doubt you sow
Please pack your things and go.





yeah! eight beers deep and i still got it! and why is it i become a poet when i drink? maybe i'll find out in my sleep. goodnight!





Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Dodging the Bullet


Posted by Hello

Chapter one

There I was, back at the old grade school playground running away from this mean looking guy. You know the look, “can you smell what the ROCK is cooking”. The good news was I could loose him in about five seconds. The bad news, no matter how far I ran or where I hid, if I waited long enough he would find me.

After another 30 second sprint away from mister Burly Man I came across what looked like a wheelhouse off an old tug or maybe the bridge of the Nautilus from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. I jump through the hatch and dog it closed.

Cool looking place, can’t believe I didn’t know it was there. I’ve been cruising this hood for 47 years and I missed this! Ha! Oh well.

Figuring I had at least a few minutes before the Wang showed up, I did a little exploring. There were all kinds of cool things to check out. Pressure gauges, valves, leaver’s, wheels, compasses, and about a hundred little lights. I was busy flipping switches up and down trying to get the lights to come on when I noticed the Jackass through the window. He was climbing the ladder that led to the hatch. He would be in the bridge within a few seconds so I turned to run.

The problem was I didn’t know which way to go! I started to look for a way out but stopped. I’d had enough of this crap. It was time to see what was pissing this guy off. I figured if I could talk with he, maybe I could get him to settle down.

Wham, the hatch was open and he jumped in. Before I could even think about opening my mouth he was right in my face with his right arm cocked. Next thing I knew the lights went out and I was seeing stars!

Now for the crazy part, when I came to I was in bed, not in the hospital but home. Just another bad dream but a few things didn’t quite fit. First of all, since when are you the one that can outrun the bad guy. Come on, usually when it comes time to run in a dream I can barely crawl!

Second, he must have got me in the left jaw because my teeth were killing me and that side of my face was numb.

Wow, I could use a drink of water, that should snap me out of it. I went to roll over to get up but I found that my left arm was just as dead as my face, not good. So there I lay, what the hell is going on! Was I still dreaming? Could be, so I thought, just get up, come on, get up. I sat up, rubbed my sore jaw with my numb left arm and got out of bed. About half way to the kitchen I realized I was also dizzy, like I just got cold cocked I the jaw! A glass of water later I felt better but not 100% better. Maybe 20% better at best.

So to make a long story short, a half hour later, a half dozen glasses of water and a half dozen checks of my blood pressure I was back in bed and sound asleep.



Chapter two

Morning rolls around and all is OK, not good but OK. My face and arm are still a little dead but OK. Off to work to start a new week. I still felt a bit off but I figured it was because I didn’t get a very good nights sleep. Around comes 10:20, break time and the crowd leaves the office for the lunch room for coffee. I got up to follow and the room starts to spin, what the hell is going on. What ever it is I can’t blow it off any longer so I call doctor Nutwacker to get his opinion.

You can guess what he says “get to the ER, NOW!

So off to Emanuel where his brother the Tinny Weenie Doctor practices.

He had called his brother and warned him we were on the way so when I got there they were waiting. Before I could even get the first page of the admittance paper work filled out they had the I V in and had my neck, chest, back and legs shaved and were ready to start the EKG. The test went well and they found nothing. Next came the CAT Scan all the while sucking five or six blood samples. Again the test showed nothing.

By this time I had an ER Doc, a Neurologist and a Pediatric Urologist! The ER staff couldn’t figure out what all the commotion was about. The Urologist orders up a complete MRI scan of me head and upper spine. That was one and a half hours in a tube with your head clamped tight and your forehead taped down. They then put a helmet on you and stuff you in. You can’t move your arms or your head. They don’t even want you to swallow or move your eyes for 90 minutes! The thing makes so much noise you have to wear earplugs.

Again, all was well. So what the heck is up? After a conference with the Nuro guy they decide to do an ultra sound of the arteries in my neck going to the brain. Again nothing.

7 or 8 hours later the fourth doctor comes in and looks at the chart. Wow, who ordered all these test and what’s with all the doctors?

Chapter three

Anyway, the final results. He says, the good news is no heart attack, no stroke, and no heart problems. The bad news, they don’t know what was wrong, maybe bad gas, take an aspirin and go to bed. Really, one baby aspirin a day and adios.

So how was your day?


An email sent to me yesterday from my father, based on actual events. Yeah, he's pretty cool. Too cool for something like this to happen though... this was the most light-hearted way to send disheartening news. I will be heading to Portland this afternoon (at least I aspire to) to make sure he is alright and to let him know that if he doesn't take care of himself, he's gonna have me on his hands. And I can be a handful. ;)

On a Tuesday night...


Posted by Hello

there are clouds in the sky. and they reflect in our eyes.
they seep through my pores. they fog up my mind.
because i speak your language. one i will never understand.
yet i write through keys. i still write with my hand.
and you will never know. quite what i'm thinking.
how could you think i'm sober. if i tell you i'm always drinking.
and how could you think. that i don't really know.
i don't know my friends. i make all my foes.
when will it end? i know it will never end.
i walk through a door. down stairs i decend.
but i know i'm going up. straight up to heaven.
to a place i don't even believe. no, i ain't believin'.
but i'm tryin to see. to see where i'm headin.
but who can really tell me. they know i won't listen.
I will always stop believin. believin in you.
for everything you stand for. for everything you do.
you could never move me. i'm to brazen and unrelenting.
you could never love me. i'm to hard, yet too forgiving.
sometimes.
sometimes i cry. but you will never see it.
try as you try. you wouldn't believe it.
my heart is too cold. my mouth gets too dry.
and if you want to kiss me. keep your eye on the prize.
i'm not what you want. you better keep looking.
thats just what they tell you. and all that you took in.
so please walk away. you're used to abandoning.
keep your tastes normal. keep your mind mainstream.
or else they won't like you. they find your points burdening.
so keep your thoughts light. ignore the awakening.
all i can tell you. is to get really drunk.
you won't get anywhere. but you'll have lots of fun.
and tomorrow morning. the sun will rise again.
to create all your shadows. that allow you to bend.







i wrote this after drinking. a whole lot of tequila.
go to bed i am thinking. tomorrow i will see ya'.
sayonara.
i can be lame sometimes.



Monday, November 15, 2004

Why Does It Always Rain On Me?


. Posted by Hello

What would you say if I told you that Despair was immature?
If you are able to negate meaning from life, you could assume that there is no hope. Hope can be damaging in that it allows and even forces despair on those who hold it, along with the fact that it shouldn't be trusted. Putting faith in something or someone gives that thing, person or idea power over you. This is dangerous. This is naive.
Despair is a poison, a state we so often allow ourselves to fall into that imposes on us the idea that things could be better. Things are the way they are and that is how it should be (keep in mind though, that this does not necessarily imply that we deserve it). Despair is the consequence of ideals that we have recognized and gobbled up, placed in front of us on the table that is society, served on the plates manufactured by the media.
We find hope in the conquest of these ideals. We work jobs we hate to buy that house on the hill because we are told this will make things better. What we miss in all of this nonsense is that Happiness is entirely subjective, and that to achieve it (in my opinion) we don't need money or power, we just need to take full advantage in the opportunities that come our way. We need change to be happy, no matter how content you may be, soon enough boredom will creep up on you and it will wreak havok on your pristine little world. Denying yourself opportunities, mostly the opportunities of new experiences, will eventually lead to a collapse of your state of mind and you will, yet again, feel lost.
But one must be careful.
Once you begin to seek out opportunity too frivilously, you will begin to lose yourself. Let it ride. And don't let yourself get too caught up in chasing something you will never catch.
Sustaining hope for something that, in the back of your mind, you know you may never achieve can be like swallowing a slow acting poison.
In reference to my first statement, the immaturity in despair is seeded in the blindness and naievity of hope. And again, you must first accept that things are the way they are if you are to use an otherwise desparing situation to your own advantage. If you can accomplish this, hate and contempt will be worthless to you and worry will be incidental.
Many would argue that this approach will just lead to apathy, discontent and an eventual pretentious bitterness towards the world. This very well may be true if you begin to use this frame of mind as a cop-out, so to speak. It is wrong to simply not care at all. Pascal once stated that, "a man does not show his greatness by being at one extremity, but rather by touching both at once." You must embrace this outlook on life and thought because it allows you the possibility and opportunity to trancend caring and not caring. This is why it is immature to despair, because that which you are despairing about is marginal and essentially does not need to matter to you to the extent that it can rape you of your happiness. Free yourself!
I am not saying all of this because I think it is easy, nor do I claim that this is a description of my own mindset. It is similar to the manner in which I have been thinking lately, and this outlook has given me much comfort when certain events in my life would have otherwise lead to despair. Paticularly, certain events that occured this past weekend which are a little to heavy as well as a bit too personal to go into as of yet. You can bet, though, that it will be a topic of much discussion on my part in the near future, once I give myself enough time to make sense of it all.
This was also not an attempt to hold this idea up as its own ideal, that would of course be somewhat of a contradiction to the idea itself. With all the "you should"'s and "you must"'s that I have thrown about it would probably be very hard for me to argue that describing an ideal wasn't my intention (I say this after reading what I have written), but I guess I could redeem myself a little by saying that the idea of this post was to, first off, get it out of my system, and second to offer these thoughts as advice. I'm really not that worried about being criticized though, seeing that my audience doesn't appear to be that large. Oh well.
Alright, I am done BS-ing for today...it is now time to finish up some school work. After all, how can I get rich and powerful without the vast knowledge, vocabulary and morals provided by an honest education? I'll have to call ol' Georgy-porgy and ask him.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Post Title


Posted by Hello

I really have nothing to say in this post, it is somewhat frustrating. I get the urge to update this thing all the time, i'll write a whole post just on a whim. Yet, when I read it over I can't even remember what I was thinking. So, of course, I delete it and go back to pretending I have a life.
But this time I will brainstorm and choose something to analyse and pick apart...hmmm...what will it be?
Ah, okay I know what I am going to talk about tonight. Most recently in my philosophy class we have been discussing Foucault and sexuality, so I think I am going to extend my thoughts on the subject to my blog. I think the inspiration for this also has been drawn by the recent passing of measure 36 in Oregon, nullifying the recognition of any existing or future gay marraiges by the state.
Although I must respect that many of the 'yes' votes on this measure were in accordance with the church, an organization which does wonderful things for communities and lost people all over the world, denying the right to certain tax breaks etc. provided by the state to untraditionally married couples is wrong.
Homosexuality does not hurt anyone in itself. The only thing that makes it hard is that it spawns fear in those who don't understand it so they, in turn, persecute and hate those that claim to be homosexual.
Fundamentally, homosexuality may have been a threat to the expanding populations of prehistoric man and this could be the source of the stigma placed upon it un modern society. Yet, if you look at it objectivly, you must take into consideration that the reason we are sexual is so that we don't go extinct. We procreate to pass our genes to the next generation, and the ideals such as love are secondary to this. Today, the human population is so vast that homosexuality may be the saving grace and the cure to overpopulation. I would rather have homosexuals running loose in the streets professing their love for eachother than to have the government tell me that I am only allowed to have one child. That control is far more terrifying than having a gay couple living next door.
Think about the mormans, a group of people whom hold homosexuality as a taboo and a sin but also have very large families due to their beliefs. Try telling them they can only have one child.
Of course, this is all just theories and ideas and I could be full of BS, but it is so disheartening that this country claims to be a land of freedom, liberty and opportunity. Americans aren't excactly opressed in a tangible sense, but we are definitely not free, we are trapped in this net of capitalism, consumerism, infidelity and hypocracy. And, on top of that, we seem to leap at the opportunity to deny what rights we think we have to our peers. We are riased to hate ourselves and be terrified of everyone else. How did this happen?

Alright, now that I've got an entry out of my system I'm going to go poison myself with some alcohol and forget all about the state of things. A Domani!

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

What time is it (who cares)?


Posted by Hello

Somebody turn out the lights!
Somebody turn out the lights!
Because that's not what I'm looking for.
I can't feel my friends,
No longer feel my friends.
Maybe I'm not what they're looking for?

When does the snow start falling here?
It's cold, the grass needs a blanket.
These leaves never die
In the reflection of our eyes.
And when it hangs in the sky, the moon is naked.

So, without these clouds,
The fog of our minds,
We know we'll never make it.
The sun seems to shine
On the sound of a sigh.
It was given, we just couldn't take it.

Yeah, it's easier to let it die.
Or...maybe...maybe just to fake it.

So, somebody let me in!
Please! Somebody let me in!
It's feels hotter when the breeze cools my skin.
We know it's not real,
No, it can't be real...
So the glow from a screen makes the world spin,
And the hands of a clock set a margin
For the walls of a box we locked our souls in
That was lost and long since forgotten.
It's been lost and long since forgotten.


Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Some Things Just Can't Wait


Kiku Posted by Hello

Ah death. Death, death, death. It is a part of life, but could it be that death is not always necessary? I say absolutely.
Yesterday night I buried two creatures who could have lived full lives if it were not for the apathy and/or objectivity of human nature.
Victim #1: a small white mouse as precious as the days are long whose purpose in life was to be a snake snack. Of course, this purpose was only imposed upon it by us humans. It was too young to be cold, the temperature dropped and it died alone in my room. I was over 100 miles away, but was there still something I could have done to save it? Probably, but what does it matter to me. Right?
Victim #2: a beautiful crimson beta named Hashi whom, at around 5 yesterday, looked perfectly healthy. My roomate and I came back into my room about 10:30 and found him motionless at the bottom of his bowl. My guess is the water had finally turned toxic. I hadn't cleaned it in a month. Could Hashi still be swimming round and round today? Probably, but I have better things to do. Right?
That mouse was going to die eventually. It's just a stupid fish, right?
There's nothing right about it. Death is a terribly lonely thing regardless of whether you are a person, a fish, a mouse, a bird or an ant. Etcetera. Why do you think we created religion? This desensitization that we have manifested in our little minds that enables us to ignore unecessary elimination of life, whether it be from starvation or plague or for oil, is a sickness far worse than any morning after we could ever experience. People are starving right now and there is food going bad in my refrigerator. Blood is being spilled for the fuel I put in my car so that I can drive to the theater and see a film about blood being spilled for profit or about spirits being crushed for sport. It's a sick thing, but I feel trapped inside of it.
If I have to bury another animal or thought due to the apathetic disease of others, I may become an alcoholic.
If I become any more apathetic about the drama of everyday life, I may become catatonic.
Then I may starve or die from a sickness that could be easily cured given the means.
But I guess thats life.
This is not an epiphany I just had, but something that swells inside of me and breeches the surface only on the occaision that I cannot harness it. Last night my desparation was spinning me faster and faster as I could not find my tap water conditioner, which I would use to save my other beta, Kiku. I litteraly tore apart my apartment, I could not sleep until I had done something to put off the inevitable. It would be against my basic principle to put my need for something as incidental as sleep ahead of the opportunity to stop some suffering. I may have seemed vain and I may have seemed crazy, but damn all the people who would say I could buy a new fish tomorrow. It's not about the fish at all. It's about appriceation of life, tainted with pity.

Like a Cast Shadow


The Faint Posted by Hello

This weekend I was graced with the opportunity to see an amazing group that caught my fancy a little under a year ago. This group, as you have already guessed, is The Faint. They are an indie-techno group (not sure how to really describe them) out of Omaha, NE, signed to Saddle Creek Records. Their mix of indie-house-pop is as catchy as it is racy, mixing social commentary and sexual innuendo with catchy beats and rhythms that, if you play it loud enough, will seep into you and course through your veins like alcohol and extacy.
The show was amazing, opening with Saddle Creek newcomers Beep Beep. This group has an interesting, somewhat comical stage presence full of eclectic sound, awkward movements, crooning and screaming. They played a good set.
Next on the roster was TV on the Radio, a group currently signed to Touch and Go Records. I felt their set worked as a medium between the rock of Beep Beep and the heavy incessant rhythm of The Faint. They mixed hip-hop influenced percussion with Hendrix influenced riffs that made for a very different and very pleasing experience. One song, the percssion was actually beatboxed by the only white member of the quartet. To say the least, their untraditional style gave their music a character that even some of the better music that has come out of the indie scene still lacks. I recommend checking them out.
Then on to The Faint. Thier performance was as good, if not better, than my expectations. What made it beautiful, though, was the cooperation of the crowd. By that time in the night we all were ready and waiting to let it all out, and let it all out we did. It wasn't like other shows where the kids in the front are getting rowdy, the kids in the back are just standing around, and there's that couple in the middle of it all (you know the one) where the boyfriend is violently shoving people off because his girl is complaining that her feet are getting stepped on. Everyone was getting into it; dancing, flailing, a little bit of moshing, crowd surfing--the works. By the last song everyone was so exhausted and overheated that it was all we could do to sway back and forth and rely on the people on chemicals to keep up the feeling. By that point I was so dehydrated I thought I was going to faint, myself. (Pun intended). Before the show my friend Eric and I shared a bottle of Chianti and a cigar so we were moderately buzzed. But when you're that warm and that violent and that close to people for that long, the chemical buzz becomes a natural buzz and thats more real and intense than anything. Needless to say it takes it's toll and can easily make a sane person pay $2 for WATER at a GAS STATION. It's something I'm not proud of, but I will be honest and say I can't regret it. Water is a beautiful thing.
Anyways, the show was killer (modestly speaking) and the drive back to eugene was even more life-threatening. The fog was so thick on I-5 it was as if I was driving through an ocean with no fish or fauna. And it was so dark. I can tell you, it is a very eerie thing when air casts a shadow. Peaceful, but eerie.
So, all in all the weekend was a good one. Something to embrace and relish until the memory is gone and only the ticket stub or the bruise or the empty bottle is left to remind you. A few days in the few I may have left before I get drafted that give life a meaning, well, a meaning without purpose. I am content for now.

Check out The Faint and Beep Beep.
Check out TV on the Radio.